


Ramifications of Letting You In

by JaneDoe112255



Series: Let Me In [4]
Category: Marianas Trench
Genre: Age Play, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Blankets, Blow Jobs, Boyfriends, Caring, Christmas Fluff, Couch Cuddles, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Diapers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Families of Choice, Family Drama, Family Issues, Feeding, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, I Love You, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Men Crying, Mental Health Issues, Morning Cuddles, Music, Non-Sexual Age Play, Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Past Sexual Abuse, Past Violence, Pillow & Blanket Forts, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protectiveness, Scars, Sleepy Cuddles, Stuffed Toys, Therapy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Wetting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-09-16 10:18:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 31,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16952160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaneDoe112255/pseuds/JaneDoe112255
Summary: Sequel to Let Me In. Must read before reading this. Please.





	1. Chapter 1

Matt was at Best Buy, not enjoying his life right now, aside from Josh being right by his side. That was the only up side to his laptop breaking down, spending the day with Josh outside of the house. It has been a few weeks since they had became an official couple, but Josh did not like to go out that often. People tended to stare at the scar on his face. This made Josh feel bad and anxious, as he told Matt. It made him feel like he was nothing more than a freak. Matt smiled at the older man when he told Matt this and kissed the scar, telling him that he was not a freak. That he was a kind, sweet, sassy, brilant man and if people could not see that then it was their loss, not his. Josh had blushed slightly at the compliments, and he smiled and kissed him back. 

One thing that had improved over the past few weeks was Josh communicating his thoughts and feelings to the guys. With Matt supposed could not get much worst, but he was still extremely thankful. The man seemed to finally be getting better. Not that he was a hundred percent better, which would be impossible, but he was getting better. He was having less nightmares now that he was sleeping with Matt. Getting more sleep helped with he anxiousness, as did being little. 

I

Speaking of being little, Matt looked over at Josh, who seemed to be staring off into space with a small childlike spark in his eyes. When Matt followed the boy's line of sight he saw that Josh was not staring off into space. He was staring at a Hot Wheels track. Matt could not help but smile, his baby loved Hot Wheels. 

"Like that, Baby Boy?" Matt whispered into the boy's ear, running his fingers through his hair and smiling sadly. Josh was taken by that monster right before Christmas and was not rescued until right after it. They had not had a chance to celebrate Christmas as friends like they always did with everything that has happened this past nearly two months. Even though it was early February the guys were still talking about celebrating it, if not to just exchange the gifts they all got for each other. Matt would have to talk to them about that later. Maybe when Josh takes a nap, which it looked like was going to be very soon. 

"Yeah," Josh whispered back leaning into Matt's touch. 

"I'll see what I can do, Baby, okay?" 

"K, Pa- uhh, M-Matty," Josh stammered. Looking around to see if anyone hear him almost call Matt Papa. That's not something that the boy should do in public, but he felt little and he wanted to go home and snuggle with his Papa and take a nap. Josh was sleepy, not that it was rare for Josh to get sleepy in the middle of the day. He was still healing and that made him tired easily, and if he had to move around too much, like he did today he got sleepy even easier. Matt playing with his hair was making it harder to even keep his eyes open even while standing up.

"I-I need," Josh waved his hand around for a second before stuffing his hand that was not holdong the crutch in his pocket, "ya know," Josh ducked his head. That morning, Matt said that he needed to try to be as big as possible while they went out though he was not feeling little that morning and had not started slipping until they walked into Best Buy a few hours later. It had been a good day. They had went out to breakfast, walked around a little, and went shopping. It had been fun, and now Josh could not help but think that he was ruining the day. All because he could not listen to Matty. Sorry. 

Matt rubbed soothing circals on his back, seemingly reading his mind and he said, " it's okay, Baby, I know. We'll leave in a few mintues, okay? Then we'll go home."

"Yeah," Josh smiled, happy that Matt was not angry at him, "go home."

Matt chuckled, ruffling the boy's hair, causing him to giggle and push Matt hand away, "good boy," Matt praised. 

Josh blushed as the praise and shifted from foot to foot, "love you, Matty."

"Love you too, Joshy."

Their whispered conversation was interrupted by the guy from geek squad came back with Matt's laptop. The guy went on to explain the something happened to the hard drive and they needed to send it in to have it fixed. A signed paper and handshake latter, Matt and Josh left the building to go home.

"Yay, home," Josh whispered with a small clap and smile.

"I think you love home more than me, Baby," Matt teased as they got into Matt's car. 

Josh shrugged and pursed his lips, "Maybe," the boy teased back.

Matt held his heart, "that hurts, Baby Boy."

Josh giggled, knowing that Matt was just joking around. 

"You're gonna think that's funny," Matt muttered under his breath.

"I alweady do!" Josh exclaimed arms opening wide.

Matt shook his head with a laugh, "what am I gonna do with you?" 

"Wove me," the baby mummbled, fingers coming to his mouth. He looked at his Papa through the fringe that covered his eyes. 

"I already do," Matt mocked the baby's words ruffling the baby's hair.

The baby giggled. 

...

"Sleepy, Papa," the baby complained as they pulled up in their driveway, and rubbed his eyes. 

"I know, Baby Boy," Matt told him as he unbukled and helped the baby out of the car, "how about this- we get inside, get you into a diaper and jammies, get you a baba, and take a nap. How does that sound, Baby Boy?"

Josh nodded, "sound good, Papa," Josh yawned. He was already so tired. He wanted to sleep and be little, and being wrapped up in his Papa's arms to have a bottle and take a nap sounded amazing. 

"Hey, guys!" Mike shouted as soon as the two men entered the house. 

"Hi, Mike," Matt greeted.

"How was the date?" Ian asked, turning to face the two younger men, noticing that one was a lot younger than normal and very sleepy looking. 

Matt rolled his eyes, "fine," he said, not bothering to say that it was not a date. The other guys knew that they were a couple, Ian walking in on them a few days after the first make out session to yet another one. Matt smiled as he remembered Josh's reaction, he had blushed red as lobster and hid in Matt's side as Ian told them it was about time and promptly going to gossip to Mike about it. It had taken Matt a good half hour and about five dozen kisses on top of Josh's head to gett him to come out of his hiding spot in Matt's side. 

"Hey, Buddy," Ian said, coming up to the baby and rubbing his back.

"Hi, Unca' Cassie," Josh said with a yawn he rubbed his eyes and leaned into Cassie's touch. 

"I think that's my cue to make a bottle, hu Kiddo," Mike asked the baby with a small smile, already going to the fridge to get a meal replacement shake. 

Josh nodded mutly as his Papa lead him to his room. The room had changed in the past few weeks, becoming more of the baby's room as big Josh liked to sleep with Matt whenever possible. The younger man helped Josh not only sleep through the night, he helped the older man's nightmares go away. They were not gone completely, probably never would. The man seemed less anxiety ridden the past few weeks, having less panic attacks and flashbacks and he was able to focus more and when the thoughts and voice came back he would go to one of the guys instead of shutting himself away or drinking. Josh and Matt were going to go to a new therapist tomorrow. Now, while things were not perfect, they were finally starting to look up with Josh's mental health and work (they finally got a date when they were going to film the Celebrity Status Music Video and they started to work on the new album, set in a magical toy land and Matt could not be happier.) 

"C'mere, Baby," Matt told the boy, who stuck a blue pacifier in his mouth as soon as he saw it. The baby obeyed his Papa and came to his side. The baby rubbed his eyes and looked up at his Papa through sleepy eyes. 

"What does sleepy baby wanna wear?" the man asked rubbing the baby's face, "Dinosaur, Teddy, or Cookie Monster?"

The baby sucked on his pacifier and cocked his head to the left, "uhh all 'ookie 'onstw," the baby said, smiling past his pacifier. 

"You got it, Cooookie Monster," Matt said in his best Cookie Monster voice tickling the baby's tummy lightly. 

The baby giggled and held his tummy, "naw, Papa."

The man chuckled and went into the baby's closet to pick out the desired sleeper and a diaper. Matt turned to see that the baby was next to his bed with he fuzzy and Teddy in his arms. 

"C'mere, Baby. Lay down and we'll get you all snuggled up," Matt said. Josh smiled and laid down on the floor.

Bennie seemingly came out of nowhere and sat down next to Josh's head. She licked the baby's face. The baby giggled and reached up to pet the pup. The baby had missed his pup from being out all day with his Papa. He was not used to being out of the house for so long. Bennie had missed her boy too, and did not want to leave his side for the rest of the day. 

Matt quickly got the baby dressed, thankful when he was done because the poor baby was falling asleep on the floor.

"C'mon, Baby Boy," Matt said, helping the boy to the sitting position. As soon as Josh was to the sitting position he whined disaprovingly and squirmed holding Teddy tightly to his chest. 

"What's wrong, Baby?" Matt asked, concern in his tone.

"All 'ookie 'onstw, pwea'?" Josh said, leaning into his Papa's chest and rubbing his eyes.

Matt chuckled, knowing his mistake, "aww, sorry Baby," the man got up to get the baby's cookie monster socks, "how could Papa be so silly," Matt shook he head at himself and he put the socks over the baby's feet. The boot that was on his right foot was finally off, replaced with a brace that he just had the wear when he was walking around. Josh could not believe how good things were going with his ankle and legs. Just over a month ago he thought that he would never be able to walk again and now his physical therapist was talking about finally getting him a cane to assist with walking. Only a cane! That was crazy to the baby. 

Josh smiled sleepily at his Papa's antics, "fanks, 'illy."

Matt smiled and ran his hand through the baby's hair, "no problem, Sweet Boy." 

Matt stood and bought the baby with him and thought distantly that if he was going to keep lifting the baby he would need to get back into the gym. Josh was not as light as he used to be, not that Matt was complaining. It was reliving that the baby was finally starting to gain some weight. That is why Mike was currently handing Matt a bottle full of strawberry meal replacement shake. They did not want to lose any progress that the baby was making by skipping a meal (thought they knew logically that he would not just from missing lunch), and Josh loved the shakes, so it was a win win.

"Here we go, Baby Boy," Matt said, rearranging the boy so that he was on Matt's lap with his head in the crook of the man's arm almost like he was feeding a real baby. A real baby who needed to curl up slightly and bend his knees so that he felt smaller, but a real baby none the less.

The baby hummed in approval when the taste of sweet strawberry hit his tongue. The baby closed his eyes and fisted at his Papa's shirt as if he was trying to make him stay even when Josh could not see him. The baby usually perfered warm milk when he was about to go to sleep and the shakes when he did not feel like eating (usually at breakfast time) but right now he was too tired to care. And no matter how much he tried to stay awake to finish the bottle because it would make Papa and his uncles happy, he could not and fell asleep 3/4 way through the bottle.

Matt pulled out the bottle and replaced it with the blue pacifier before Josh could even whine in his sleep.

"3/4," Mike commented as he went to the sink to clean the bottle, feeling very much like a house wife.

"We'll get him a snack when he wakes up," Ian replied, helping Matt fix the baby's fuzzy so that it was around his shoulders to keep him warm. The older man also made sure that Teddy would not fall in the baby's sleep before taking a set next to the baby's legs.

"So how was the date?" Ian asked once again.

"For the last time it was not a date, Mr. Gossip Queen," Matt said. 

"Whatever you say, Mr. I'm Not Into My Bestfriend," Ian responded.

"That is way too long of a title," Matt said with a chuckle, patting the baby's back unconsciously. 

"Seriously, how was it. I know he," here Ian pointed at the sleeping bundle in the younger man's arms, "hasn't been out of the house lately."

"He was fine," Matt said with a smile, then went off on a little speech about everything that he and Josh did that day. 

By the end, Mike was setting on the chair and he said, "that sounds like a date to me."

Matt rolled his eyes and continued, "I don't think Josh started slipping until we got into Best Buy and he saw this Hot Wheels race truck."

Ian shook his head, if there was one thing that could make Josh slip into little space face it was 1. his Papa and 2. the thought of playing with toys. The baby loved playing with cars and could never get enough, always asking for Matt, Mike, and Ian to play cars with him.

Ian was brought back to the mostly one sided conversation when Matt said- "it got me thinking," Mike and Ian made questioning noises, "we still have not celebrated Chirstmas with Josh."

"Man, we haven't," Mike said, just now realizing it. Poor baby did not even get to have Christmas with his friends because of that monster, and while, yes, they were talking about celebrating it after Josh came home, too many stuff happened and Mike completely forgot about it.

"You don't think it would be too weird the celebrate Christmas in early February?" Matt asked.

"Let's be real Matt," Ian said, "everything has been weird since Josh broke that cup." 

Matt snorted and could not help but agree. 

It was a good type of weird, though. I weird that Matt was all too used to since meeting Josh.


	2. Ramifications of Letting You In CH 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff. Pure fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just the rest of the day. Enjoy the fluff

An hour and a half later Josh woke up and tried to stretch, but he was stuck between the back of the couch and a warm wall. A really warm and comfy wall. Josh snuggled into the comfy wall. The comfy wall moved. It was breathing and had a heartbeat. Josh opened his eyes to see that it was not a wall, but his Papa. His Papa was asleep and laying down with Josh practically on top of him. His Papa must have moved them when he fell asleep. The baby smiled to himself and snuggled deeper into his Papa's chest. He was comfortable and content to snuggle as Papa sleeps. His Papa was warm and comfy. Josh loved to snuggle with him. Snuggling with his Papa made him feel safe and protected and warm. It felt nice.

Even though he had to admit he was a little hungry. Did he finish his bottle earlier? Josh does not remember finishing it. He must have fallen asleep before he finished it. The baby squirmed for a moment, and he tried to set up, but his Papa held on tighter in his sleep. Josh whined. The baby wanted to get up now and get something to eat. He was hungry. The baby was supposed to be able to eat whenever he needed to. That was a rule that was put in place a few weeks ago when he said that he did not feel like he deserved to eat. It was a rule because his friends thought that he needed to gain weight. His Papa or uncles never told him that, but he knew that it was the reason why that rule was put into place, and he also knew that it was true. He weighed himself last week, and he was finally at a healthy weight for his height and fans had stopped talking about his weight on social media.

"Papa up," Josh whined as tears came to his eyes. He wanted to get up. He was hungry. He needed to get a snack. He could get a snack himself if all of his friends were asleep.

"Having a little bit of trouble?" his Uncle Mikey asked, coming standing up next to the couch. 

"Want up. Hungwy," Josh told him, lifting one arm up to ask for help up.

"Of course, Kiddo," Mike said, helping the baby to his feet without waking his Papa. 

"Fanks, Unca' Mikey," Josh hugged him then his tummy grumbled.

"You are hungry, aren'tch?" Mike asked, giving the baby's tummy a little pat. 

"Apples, plea'?" Josh asked after he nodded, cocking his head to one side. 

"You got it, Kiddo," Mike smiled up at the baby ruffled the baby's hair before leading him to the kitchen, "we have to be quiet and let Uncle Cassie and Papa sleep."

"They sweepy," the baby asked as he sat down on one of the kitchen chairs. 

Mike chuckled as he said, "I guess so, Kiddo. It's just you and me for a little bit."

"We pway?" Josh asked with excitement seeping into his tone. He loved spending one on one time with his friends now that he knew all of them would come back. 

"Yeah," Mike nodded.

"Build a fowt?" Josh asked, excitedly squirming for a few seconds as his Uncle Mikey put a bowl of cut-up apples on the table in front of the baby.

"After your snack, okay?" Mike said, smiling, happy that Josh was more himself then he had been in the past nearly two months. 

"'Tay, Unca' Mikey," Josh picked up a bite of an apple and ate.

Mike was not sure where the whole "Unca'" thing came from (kind of like with the Papa thing), but the man was not complaining. It was adorable and made him feel like the band was one big happy (slightly dysfunctional) family.

After Josh ate his snack he walked (after being told to by his Uncle Mikey) to his room and pulled his comforter off his bed, his Uncle Mikey followed him after looking at the other men to make sure that they were still asleep.

"Fowt, Unca' Mikey, fowt," Josh bounced on his heels, holding his comforter up.

Mike smiled at the baby, "let's get to it, Kiddo."

...

Matt woke up and stretched. He cracked open his eyes and looked around the living room. Ian was also waking up next to him and stretching out his sore muscles from sleeping for the past nearly two hours sitting up. Everything was just like it was when he fell asleep. Same blanket, same position, same Ian. The only thing that was different was that he was babyless and Mike was not on the chair next to the couch. 

"Where's Josh?" Ian, who had also looked around the room when he woke up, asked Matt. Both the men then heard a faint giggling coming from Josh's room. 

"I think I know where Josh and Mike are," Matt said with a small smile as he and Ian stood up. 

Matt and Ian walked sneakily to Josh's room. Matt put his first finger to his lips as he put his hand on the doorknob. He slowly twisted the doorknob and opened the baby's door. Both men peaked their heads into the room and saw that the room had been converted into a blanket castle. Blankets and sheets and comforts were hung up all around the room to make a very impressive fort. There was an entrance facing the wall adjacent to the door, and someone's feet were poking out from underneath the hanging sheets. 

"Thewe a shawk, Unca Mikey!" Josh exclaimed from inside of the fort.

"Oh, no! Swim Joshy. Swim!" Mike shouted back to the baby. Both Mike and Josh laughed.

Both Ian and Matt covered their mouths to keep from laughing. 

Matt bent down so that he could open the flap to the entrance of the fort and the man exclaimed, "the shark is hungry. I'm going to get the boy!" the man turned shark crawled into the fort and went after the baby. The shark tickled the baby who squealed and giggled. Josh tried to push the shark off of him, but the shark was too strong and blew raspberries on his clothed tummy. The baby continued to giggle and squirm. 

"Naw mowe, Papa Shawk. Naw mowe!" Josh giggled out, tears of laughter streaming down his face. He looked at his Papa, and his Papa had a big smile on his face as he kept tickling.

"No, no. I have to get the baby!" Matt exclaimed as he tickled the baby's ribs.

"Unca' Mikey, Unca' Cassie! Save me fwom Papa Shawk!" Josh told his uncles, reaching one of his hand out to them once he realized that they were on the other side of the large fort.

"Get away from him, Shark!" Mike shouted grabbing Matt by the chest from behind and gently pulling him away from the baby. He tossed the man about an inch away from him and the baby. Matt played dead.

Once Josh got over his giggles he crawled over to Mike and hugged the man and said, "fanks Unca' Mikey," with a big smile still on his face.

"You're welcome, Kiddo," Mike said as he patted the baby's back. 

"So, this is what you've been doing while we took a nap?" Ian asked, looking around the fort as Matt got up onto his knees.

"Yeah, Unca' Cassie. Unca' Mikey and I build a fowt," Josh said opening his arms out wide to show the fort. 

"I see that, Baby Boy," Matt said looking around and smiling. There had been a few times the baby had talked the rest of the guys into building a fort in his room. The men had always let the baby keep it up for a few days. Josh loved it.

"We swimmin' and swim 'way fwom a shawk," Josh explained the game to his Uncle Cassie and Papa. 

"Sounds like fun," Ian smiled, ruffling the baby's hair.

"So, are we in the ocean?" Matt asked Josh cocked his head to the right.

Josh nodded, "Papa and Unca' Cassie pway wif us?" Josh asked with his biggest puppy dog eyes.

"Put the eyes away," Ian ordered, covering his own as if Josh's puppy dog eyes had their own magical power to make the three men in the fort do whatever the baby wanted them to do. Which it sometimes felt like they did. 

Josh giggled and said, "pwea?" in a high pitched voice, resting his head on his Uncle Cassie's shoulder and looking up at his Uncle Cassie with his biggest puppy dog eyes ever. 

"Okay, okay," Ian said with an over exaggerated sigh and a roll of his eyes, "you got it, Buddy."

"Papa too?"

"Of course, Papa too," Matt smiled, ruffling the baby's hair, "I wouldn't miss swimming away from a shark with you, Baby Boy." 

Josh beamed at his Papa and clapped, "Yay!" he exclaimed.

"Unca' Cassie the shawk!" Josh ordered with a giggle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we will get some more deeper stuff and more fluff.  
> <3


	3. Ramifications of Letting You In CH 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh's first day at therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written based on my own experience with therapy, so I hope I represented a therapy session will.

The next morning Josh was in Matt's car with him in the passenger seat, and Matt was driving. The man's leg was shaking nervously, and he kept wiping his sweaty hands on his thighs. 

"Josh," Matt said, grabbing the older man's hand.

Josh flinched slightly but did not pull back. He held onto Matt's hand tighter while giving a slight hum in question.

"Are you okay?"

"Ye- uhh," Josh bit on his first fingernail.

Of course, you are not okay, the voice said, you are making a big deal out of nothing. There is nothing to be scared of, but here you are about to suck your thumb like a stupid baby.

Josh shook his head both answering Matt's question and trying to get the voice out of his head. 

Matt let go of the older man's hand and ran his fingers through Josh's hair, knowing that it would comfort the other man more than holding hands. Josh proved him right by leaning into the younger man's touch though he did not make a move to look up at the younger man. 

"Everything's going to be okay, Baby," Matt reassured as they pulled up into the parking lot of Josh's new therapist. Josh's nerves that had started to calm while Matt was playing with his hair, went sky high as Matt stopped the car. Josh wiggled his leg again and continued to bite his nails. Matt pulled Josh's nail out of his mouth. The man had a habit of biting his nails too much when he was nerves or scared but could not suck his thumb. There had been more than one occasion that Josh bit his nails so much that it bled.

Josh put his hands in his lap and squeezed them, tapping his thumbs together. He looked at the building outside of the window like it was the scariest thing it the world. Which, right now, it probably was to the young man. 

"Come on Joshy," Matt told him, unbuckling the man, knowing that it would make it a little easier for Josh to open the car door and get out.

"Yeah," Josh nodded then forgot how to breathe for a few seconds before taking a deep breath. He could feel Matt look at him with sympathetic eyes. He looked over at Matt and gave him a small smile.

"L-Let's get this over with, Matt," Josh mumbled.

"Okay, Josh," Matt gave the other man a reassuring smile. Both men exited Matt's car. Josh froze and gulped. Matt wrapped an arm around the older man's shoulder and helped him walk inside of the office.

"Can I help you?" the receptionist greeted as soon as the men walked into the waiting room. 

Knowing that there was no way that Josh was going to talk to a stranger when he was so anxious, Matt answered for him and said, "yes, Josh Ramsay."

"Okay, what time?" the receptionist, who Matt now noticed that her name was Tiff asked with a bright tone that made both men feel a little more at ease.

"12 PM."

"Let me see," Tiff said more to herself than to Josh or Matt and typed on her computer, "do you have your paperwork, Josh?" 

Matt turned to the other man, having trusting the other man to keep the paperwork.

"Uhh, y-yeah, yeah," Josh stammered, reaching into his messenger bag with a shaking hand. He pulled out a small pile of papers that he was given the previous week and handed them to Tiff.

Tiff, noticing Josh's anxiousness, smiled gently up at him, "I'm going to give these to Dr. Tate. She'll be here in a few minutes."

Josh nodded mutely while Matt said, "thank you," to the woman. Matt took Josh's hand and led him to a chair. Josh and Matt sat down, and Matt did not let go of Josh's hand. Not the Josh was complaining. Josh felt like he was going to throw up. He could not stop his leg from moving up and down like he was a druggie again. His hands were shaky and sweaty. God, he did not want to be here. Josh wanted to go home and never come to a place like this ever again.

"Everything's okay, Sweetheart," Matt told him in a hushed tone as if he did not want anyone hearing him comforting his boyfriend. Not that the younger man cared. Anyone could listen to him right now, and Matt would not care. All Matt cared about was that Josh was nervous and needed comfort. 

Josh nodded, not really hearing him but taking comfort from the man's voice as he always did. Josh forced himself to breathe in and out slowly to try and calm himself, listening to Matt whispering comforting nothingness into his ear. 

"Hello, Josh," Josh heard a female voice say, shattering the comforting little world that Matt was able to create. Josh jumped a little. He looked up at the older woman. She was tall and thin, and she had snow white hair and doe brown eyes. 

The woman smiled kindly at him and said, "sorry for startling you, Josh, I am Dr. Tate. You can come back now."

Josh gulped and looked at looked over at Matt with fear in his eyes.

"It's okay, Baby Boy," Matt told him, rubbing his back. Josh shakily got up and followed the therapist to her office. 

"Take a seat anywhere, Josh," Dr. Tate said, waiting for Josh to sit before closing the door and taking a seat. Josh did not look toward the door longingly, wondering if it was too late to run away. Not that he could run anyway, but it could be worth a try, but then again Matt would not like it if Josh tried to run away and he would force Josh to come back or schedule another appointment, so he stayed put, and he knew that it would only be fifty minutes, then he and Matt could go home. Josh breathed slowly to try and calm himself. Only fifty minutes. 

"So, what are you here for?" Dr. Tate asked. 

"I-I, uh," Josh gulped, he knew why he was there, but the man had no idea how to put it into words, "a-anxiety."

The therapist nodded, looking at the paperwork that he had given the receptionist earlier, "when were you diagnosed?" 

Josh paused (something that he thought that he might be doing a lot in this session) having to think for a second, "sixteen?" he said it more like a question. 

"Can you tell me about that time?"

Josh rambled for a few minutes about his past, Dr. Tate stopping him every so often to elaborate on specific things like self-harm or drug use. They did not go too in-depth about any of it though Josh knew that they more than likely would if he came back. 

"According to your paperwork, you have, what you call, a voice in your head, can you tell me a little bit more about that?" the therapist asked.

Josh gulped and cleared his throat. He knew that she would ask, but he had not told anyone but Matt. It was not like his past that he had talked and written about so much about to the point that he could detach himself emotionally. With the voice, he could not do that. 

Seeing that Josh was struggling with the open question she asked, "did it start around the same time as the depression and anxiety?"

Josh thought momentarily and nodded, "the depression started when I was thirteen, the voice started around fourteen-ish."

Dr. Tate wrote something down on her pad of paper that she had been taking notes on the whole time. She looked over her notes for a second and noticed that Josh said that he started self-harming at fourteen, the same age that he said the voice started. Her first instinct that the voice was connected to everything could be right.

"What does the voice say?" 

"B-Bad things," Josh said, gulping. He squirmed for a second before settling down again. 

"Can you elaborate?"

"W-When I was a teenager it said stuff like that I did not deserve to eat or I needed to hurt myself," Josh muttered.

Dr. Tate knew that it must be more comfortable for Josh to talk about the past as he kept referring back to it, but she needed him to talk about the present. 

"Did the voice tell you to start drinking?"

Josh squirmed and nodded. 

"Going back to the past a little," the therapist said, Josh nodded in consent, "If you can remember what came first the voice or self-harm?"

"The voice," Josh said without a second of hesitation.

"So, this seems to be what is happening. Tell me if this is wrong," Dr. Tate waited for Josh to say something or to nod. When Josh nodded, she continued- 

"So, it seems to be that you have these depressed or anxious thoughts, that lead to the voice elaborating your thoughts, and then the voice leads to the unhealthy coping mechanisms, right."

"Yeah, I-I just want to get the voice to stop," Josh whispered and rubbed up and down his arms, much like Matt would do if he was in here, "so I do that... stuff."

"I think that filling out a safety plan might help with the voice and those unhealthy coping mechanisms," Dr. Tate told him, pulling out a piece of paper and handing it over to Josh along with a clipboard to write on.

"The first question is warning signs, so if you think back to right before the voice starts, what is going on in your life?" Dr. Tate asked. 

Josh wrote down anxiety and desperation on one of the five lines. Then Josh thought a little harder, trying not to think of Branden. 

Noticing that Josh was paused in his thoughts and that he needed a little bit of help to think through the thoughts, she asked, "is there a specific time that it happens? Day or night time."

Josh shook his head, "i-it can happen at any time. It doesn't matter."

"Okay. So what about if you feel alone, or if there is a conflict?"

"Yeah... uh, isolated or if someone is mean to me," Josh told her. 

Later they would need to talk about what he meant by someone being mean to him if he meant the relationship explicitly or if anyone being mean to him would trigger the thoughts and voice. 

"Th-that is it," Josh told her, pointing to the two other lines that were blank, wondering if it was bad that he could not fill out all the lines.

"You don't have to fill out all lines," Dr. Tate told him with a reassuring smile, "The next question is about positive coping activities. Music, social media."

Music, Josh wrote on the paper. He thought for a second, then wrote down watching movies and walking Bennie.

"Who's Bennie?" the therapist asked.

"My dog."

Josh then started to think about his regression and bit his lip. He knew that his age regression was a coping mechanism that the voice hardly penetrates, but he did not know if the therapist would think that it was healthy. The man did not know how he would cope if Dr. Tate said he could not be little anymore. His breathing picked up, and he started shaking at just the thought of that. 

"What are you thinking?" Dr. Tate asked, noticing that man's anxiousness.

"I uh, I-I," Josh squirmed again and shook his leg, "I don't- uh."

"It's okay, Josh. You can say anything here, and it'll stay between us."

Josh muttered that he regressed under his breath. The therapist asked him to repeat himself.

"I age regress," Josh muttered only slightly louder, looking down at his lap and blushing a little. 

"That's okay," the therapist said, noticing Josh's blush and thinking that this might not be a part of his life that he shares anyone, so she said "did you know that it is a therapy?" to try and tell him that it was healthy and okay.

Josh shook his head. He had not known that, but the man was visibly relieved that the therapist said that it was okay.

"Does anyone else know?"

"My bandmates know," Josh told her, not writing anything else down yet. 

"Do they... help in any way with the age regression?" she asked.

Josh nodded, "they take care of me when I'm little."

"When did this start?"

"In general or with my bandmates?" Josh asked, slightly confused by the question.

"Both."

"July of last year my bandmates found out. I don't know when the regression started. I think that I always kind of did it but did not know what it was. Uh, first time I fully regressed was probably in rehab because so much stuff was going on and I just could not fight it anymore 'cause I was sick all the time," Josh rambled. 

"As long as everything is safe and consensual between you and your bandmates, I don't think this is a bad coping activity," she said, point to the paper as if telling him to write it down.

Josh nodded and wrote down 'regression' on the fourth line, "they wouldn't hurt me," he then wrote down 'writing.'

"Unlike," Dr. Tate said, trying to get him to talk about his abuse.

Josh was not stupid, no matter what the voice said, and knew what Dr. Tate wanted to talk about. But, God, he did not want to talk about that, please don't make him.

"Branden," Josh whispered, voice cracking, tears entered his eyes at just saying the name. 

"Was he involved with the age regression?" Dr. Tate asked, noticing the younger man's discomfort and knowing that they would not be able to stay on the topic long. 

"Yes, h-he was, he was," Josh's voice cracked again, and he was not able to say that word, maybe he would never be able to say it again. He shook his head and sniffled, curling in on himself. He really did not want to talk about it. 

Dr. Tate reached over and placed a hand on Josh's knee, "we don't have to talk about it, okay."

And was that not just like someone offered his little side all of the fuzzy blankies in the world, he sighed in, and some of the tension left his body, and he did not feel like he was going to burst into tears. 

"The next question is about social distraction, so going out with friends or is there a place that you like to go?"

"I like going out with my friends, and I like to go to the park. People like to come up to me and start conversations," Josh said. 

"Fans?" she asked while he wrote down those two things.

"Sometimes," Josh nodded, "sometimes it's just random old people."

"Just old people?"

"I don't know, old people and animals really like me," Josh shrugged, and it was the truth. He could not count the number of times that an older person came up to him while he was at the park with Bennie and told him their whole life story. Josh just learned to accept this as part of his life and listened with interest at what the people were saying. Once when he was a teenager, it got him in trouble with his parents, but that man's story was cool. He had been in the Canadian Armed Forces where he learned to be a doctor and saved a lot of people, both in the Armed Forces and in civilian life. He even helped deliver both of his kids. Josh had recommended that the man write a biography before he had to leave.

"Okay, do you and Matt like to go on dates?" the therapist asked.

Josh looked up at her with his eyebrows lowered, "how did..." before he stopped himself. She was a psychologist, of course, she knew.

"I'm an expert on body language, Hon," Dr. Tate smiled.

"Uhh, we like to sit around in his room and watch movies on one of our laptops or play games, w-we don't go out that much. I get nervous sometimes," Josh looked down at his lap, rubbing his arm up and down again in a soothing manner. 

"Do you want to try and go out with him?" 

"Yeah," Josh nodded, "but I get so scared that I'm going to panic that I think that it would be better if we just stayed inside."

Dr. Tate nodded and said, "okay, I'm going to give you some homework, go out with someone. It does not have to be Matt, but just some one on one time with a friend, or with a group of friends. Do something that you and that person or group of people like to do. Try to focus on just those people, okay?"

"Uhh," Josh squirmed, "I-I think so, yeah."

He wrote down 'date' on the paper and moved on the next question which asked about specific people that he could talk about his thoughts and the voice. He wrote down Matt, Mike, and Ian in that order on the paper and paused.

Dr. Tate saw how the younger man almost instantly wrote down the names of his bandmates and smiled. Happy that Josh had a friend group that he could trust so much. It usually took her clients a while to come up with the names of people that they could talk to and even then it was only a name or two. Her smile got a little wider as he wrote 'Andrew' and 'Sarah' on the paper.

"The last question is about self-protection. What can you do so that you not to go back to those unhealthy coping mechanisms? Getting rid of alcohol. Getting rid of all sharp objects if the urge to cut ever comes back."

"I-I don't," Josh muttered.

"Don't what?"

"Cut."

Dr. Tate smiled reassuringly, "I know you don't, but if the urge ever does come up again, tell someone like one of your bandmates or Andrew or Sarah or me, and get rid of them. You don't have to do that now, but I would recommend that you get rid of all alcohol for the time being."

Josh nodded and wrote 'no alcohol' on the paper. He made a mental note to himself that he would need to show this to Matt at least. The whole open communication thing that he was talking about and all.

Dr. Tate looked at her watch and said, "I think that's about all that we have time for today, but I would like to make you another appointment, and also, if you would consent, I want to talk to your other therapist. To see what you two were talking about and how far you guys got."

Josh wanted to say no, wanted to never think about that therapist ever again. He was not a bad man, but he just was not the right man to talk Josh through all of his problems. Unlike Dr. Tate. Josh felt like they talked about more things in this one session with Dr. Tate then he ever did in the dozens of meetings he had with his old therapist. He felt like he could get somewhere with Dr. Tate and he did not have the near soul-crushing tightness in his chest that he had with his old therapist, but if Dr. Tate thought that it would help her, Josh would allow.

"Uhh, yeah, yeah sure," Josh nodded.

"Okay, let me find the paper," the therapist opened up her second desk drawer and pulled out a paper that said consent form and handed it to Josh, "Read through it and sign on the bottom lines and date while I pull up my schedule."

Josh quickly read through the carefully worded document and signed and dated at the bottom as the therapist asked. 

They quickly scheduled another session, and she led Josh to the waiting room where Matt was waiting for him. Josh noticed that Matt had moved seats, but did not think much of it. It must have been hard for the younger man to sit still for almost an hour.

Matt quickly jumped up when he noticed that Josh was back in the waiting room. Matt was relieved that the older man looked a lot less nervous than he did when they first got there. His hands were not even shaking. Josh smiled over at Matt and walked over to him. Matt took Josh's hand and noticed that it was not sweaty anymore. The session must have gone very well then. Matt smiled. 

"See you next week Josh."

"See you, Dr. Tate," Josh waved bye.

Once they were in the car, Matt asked, "was it good, Baby?"

Josh nodded, "she gave me homework," he said.

Matt gave a questioning hum as he back out of his parking spot and got onto the street, happy to go home with his boy.

"S-She said I had to go out with someone," Josh told him.

"So, her assignment was for us to got out on a date," Matt said with a small smile.

"She said that it was one thing that I could do."

"Do you want to do that?"

"Yeah," Josh nodded, looking up at Matt with hopeful eyes.

Matt smirked and, "yeah, I mean it's doctor's orders."

Josh chuckled, "yeah. Doctor's orders."

"I love it when you do that," Matt said with a soft smile.

"Do what?" Josh asked, cocking his head to the right.

"Repeat after people," Matt answered, looking at Josh momentarily before looking back to the road, "it's cute."

Josh blushed slightly. He had the habit of repeating after people when he was not thinking about it or if he got too nervous. It got him told off a few times as a child, as other children thought that he was making fun of them. His bandmates picked on him a couple of times because of it. One time they were going down an utterly bleak road that had no trees (something that they were not used to at the time). When they finally saw a tree they were all celebrating like they just found the cure to cancer. Josh, not really thinking at that moment, had said, "woohoo, a tree," in a voice that made it evident that he was merely repeating those around him and was not excited about seeing the tree at all. Matt had smirked at the older man and said, "yeah Joshy, we know a tree."

"Yeah, a tree," Josh had repeated. 

"Are you drunk?" Ian had asked with a smile chuckle.

"No," Josh had muttered, sleepy. 

"Sleepy boy," Matt had said, rubbing his head.

"Sleepy boy," Josh muttered purposely repeating after Matt this time and closing his eyes.

Back in the present, Matt asked what else he did at therapy.

"Talked a lot," Josh said.

"Guess I can't expect much more, can I?" Matt asked, and Josh shook his head.

"Friday," Josh suddenly said after a moment of silence.

"What about Friday, Baby?" 

"Can we go a date Friday?" Josh asked and gave his boyfriend the sweetest smile that he could manage, "please."

Matt smirked and pushed his head away so that the older man was not smiling at him like that, "yes, Mr. Cutey."

"What happened to Mr. Sassy Pants?" Josh asked, cocking his head slightly. 

"Oh, I trust that he is still in there, but right now you are being too cute," Matt said, ruffling Josh's hair when he parked in front of there house.

"Can't be cute and sassy," Josh asked sarcastically.

"You are half of the time that you are little," Matt told him, and Josh nodded in agreement.

Matt turned to his boyfriend and said with a spark of excitement in his eyes, "close your eyes, the guys and I have a surprise for you."

Josh cocked his head to one side, "what surprise?"

"The surprise type of surprise," Matt said with a shake of his head, "a surprise that you need to close your eyes for."

Josh rolled his eyes but listened to his boyfriend and closed his eyes. He did not make a move to get out of the car until he felt Matt's hand on his shoulder. The man let his boyfriend lead him to the door. He could tell, even without opening his eyes, that Mike and Ian were the living room with Matt and him.

"Okay, open your eyes, Baby Boy," Matt whispered in his ear. Josh listened to Matt and opened his eyes. What he saw made him gasp, and happy tears filled his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we get to see what the surprise is and get to see more of Little!Josh.


	4. Ramifications of Letting You In CH 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm late with Christmas, but in my defense so are the guys.

Josh felt happy tears enter his eyes when he opened them and saw the living room. The first thing that he saw was the tree. It had to be at least seven feet tall, and it had been decorated in red, green, and gold ornaments and silver tinsel. At the top, there was a white star that connected to all that lights. Josh could barely see the green and red tree skirt that was underneath all of the presents. 

When the boy was able to tear his eyes away from the tree, he saw that the open entertainment center that the guys had had also been decorated as well. There was a red bow that Josh insisted on getting the first Christmas that they lived together right underneath the television. Underneath the bow, there were four cabinets that the guys kept their video games. Connected to each of the cabinets there was a stocking. Each said the name of one of the band members. 

After Josh had not said anything for a few seconds, just frozen to the spot that Matt told him to open his eyes in, Ian shook his hand in front of the boy's face, but he was rooted in his place. 

"I think we broke him," Mike said with concern in his tone.

Matt rolled his eyes and walked back over to the boy, "hey, Baby Boy," he ran his fingers through Josh's hair, "you still with us?" 

It took Josh a few seconds to answer. When he did, he nodded and said, "yeah, 'm hewe," in a small voice that sounded very little. 

"What do you think, Bud?" Ian asked, with a small smile.

"It Kissmas," the baby said, thumb going to his mouth. 

"Yeah, Kiddo," Mike said, wondering what the baby was thinking. 

"It Feb'uawy," Josh told them as if they did not know that already. 

The guys could not help but chuckle at the baby's slightly confused stance, "We know, Baby Boy," Matt said with a kind smile, "we all thought that because we could not celebrate Christmas when it was Christmas because of..." Matt trailed off of a second, and the baby frowned and got really sad. 

"Him," Josh completed Matt's thought, looking at the ground. 

"Yeah," he heard Cassie say, and he rubbed the baby's back hoping to keep him grounded in the present. This was supposed to be a happy day for Josh, not a day that the baby had to remember that monster. 

"But," Matt said with an upbeat tone of voice that made the baby look up at his Papa, "we thought that we could celebrate now. We had a bunch of presents for you, and you can help Papa and Uncle Cassie make lunch."

Josh gave a small smile and nodded. That sounded nice; Josh wanted to open his presents. He even had some gifts for the guys that he had not had the chance to give them yet. And Josh loved to help cook when he was big he was the one that usually cooked dinner, but when he was little like he was now, he enjoyed helping. He wondered for a second if he would be able to talk his friends into baking cookies. 

Josh was brought out of his thoughts when Matt said, "c'mon, Baby. Let's sit down and open your presents," the other three men exchanged gifts at Christmas time. They felt almost guilty because of that, but they were celebrating Christmas with the baby now, and they could put their guilt aside to make this an excellent day for the baby. 

"O-One second. Stay hewe!" Josh ordered, barely able to contain his excitement as he hobbled to his room. 

"And he's off," Ian said like he was an announcer at a horse race. While Josh was doing whatever he was doing in his room, they got their respective presents to give to the baby. 

"What is he doing in there?" Mike asked no one in particular. 

"I don't know," Matt answered, "hey, Josh, do you need some help in there?" Matt shouted in the direction of the baby's room.

"No!" Josh shouted back, "I fine. I comin'," The baby then limped back into the living room with three gifts wrapped haphazardly in the baby's left hand. None of the gifts were very big as they were small enough to fit inside of the baby's one hand. 

"I got you gifts," Josh told them as the baby sat down and he held up the gifts.

"Where were these, Baby Boy?" Matt asked, curiosity coloring his tone. There was not an inch of Josh's room that they had not looked at in the past few months. 

"Undw my bed," except there. 

Matt smiled as the baby handed out the gifts he got for the guys.

"Which one do you want to open first, Kiddo?" Mike asked.

"You open fiws'," Josh told them, pointing at the gifts that he just handed to the guys. 

"How about you open some of yours first, Bud?" Ian asked.

Josh shook his head, "Open youws pwea'?" Josh pouted and gave his friends his best puppy dog eyes. 

"Okay, Buddy," Ian said, knowing that there was no way that they were going to change the baby's mind on this. He was way too stubborn at this point. Ian opened his gift and smiled. 

Ian got six pairs of Vic Firth drumsticks, his personal favorite drumsticks to perform with. He had been running out of them and had complained about that a few months ago, but at the same time, he said that he would not buy any more until their next tour as he had some cheaper ones that he could practice with and record with. Ian did not even think that Josh was paying attention when he was telling the other guys this as he was writing lyrics at the time and was in such an intense hyperfocus that it took Matt shaking him to get him to go to bed. Note to self; Josh hears everything even if he does not show it. Which is a lesson that one would think that the man would have learned a long time ago? 

"Thanks, Buddy," Ian said with sincerity in his tone, "these will be perfect for next tour."

"Welcome, Unca' Cassie," the baby said shyly, looking down at his lap. 

"Unca' Mikey next," Josh said, pointing at the man.

"Okay, Kiddo," Mikey smiled. He opened his present to see a dinner and movie gift card. He smiled.

"Fow you 'nd Elise," the baby explained.

Mike could not help the small laugh that escaped at the baby's explanation. He needed every excuse that he could get to go out with his girlfriend of three years. This card would come in handy within the next few days. 

"Thanks, Kiddo," Mike wrapped an arm around the baby and kissed the side of his head. 

"Welcome," Josh then turned to his Papa and said, "Papa now."

Matt's box was by far the smallest out of all of them, and Matt did not have any idea what his baby would have gotten him. When he unwrapped it and opened the tiny box within, he could not hold back the goofy smile that overtook his face if he wanted to. 

The box held a guitar pick with a picture of Josh and Matt on it. A picture was taken a few years ago, both men smiling at the camera and Matt had his arm wrapped around the older man's shoulders, and Josh had his head rested on the younger man's shoulder. It was no secret that this picture was Matt's favorite of him and Josh. When Matt turned the pick around, expecting another picture, the man saw the words "I Pick You" printed on the pick. 

"This is sweet, Baby Boy," Matt told the baby, allowing Josh to rest into his side, "I love it."

"Welcome, Papa," Josh whispered, leaning into Matt. 

Then something dawned on Matt. Josh and he had not gotten together but a few weeks ago. In that time Matt does not remember Josh getting a package. Plus, Josh had no idea that this was happening, so he had no idea when or even if they were going to exchange gifts. When had Josh gotten this for him?

It was Josh's turn to read Matt's mind for once because Josh came out of his little space slightly to explain that on Christmas Day he was going to take Matt aside and give him the guitar pick in private. Josh was then going to admit his feelings for the man and hope for the best. But now, he did not have to worry about that. Josh knew that Matt loved him, so he could give Matt the guitar pick in front of the guys and not have it be weird. 

"Thanks, Baby Boy," Matt said, scratching the boy's scalp in a way that had him regressing again in no time. Not that Josh was fighting his little headspace right now.

"Do you wanna open your percents now, Baby Boy?" Matt asked. 

"Yeah," Josh nodded excitedly and took the two gifts that Ian handed him. 

The first was Assassin's Creed Two, a video game that Josh made none too apparent that he wanted really, really bad in the months leading up to Christmas. 

"Fan fact, Bud," Ian said, "your Papa and I debated on who was going to get you that game for a good three weeks."

Josh giggled and sat the video game down. He would play it tomorrow if he were feeling big enough. There was no way that his Papa or uncles would let him play it in little space. 

"E'mo!" Josh exclaimed with a happy clap when he saw the t-shirt that his Uncle Cassie got him. It was a bright red t-shirt with Elmo's face on it. It probably would not look that odd if he decided to wear it out in public, but his Uncle Cassie probably got it for him to wear in little space. He loved it. He gave Ian a big hud to prove it. 

"And the best Uncle of the year award goes to," Mike whispered to Matt ear, who snorted. 

"Not my fault I know 'im," Ian told Mike. 

"We'll see about that," Mike rolled his eyes.

"Does everything have to be a wager between the two of you?" Matt could not help but interject. 

"Yes," they both said at the same time, only slightly joking. 

It was Mike's turn to give the baby his gift. The baby tore into the wrapping paper with the excitement of a child. What was underneath the paper was a weighted blanket.

Mike had wanted to get the younger man a weighted blanket for years now. The man had a friend in high school who had anxiety and sleep problems much like Josh did. She had a weighted blanket, and it seemed to work for her, and Mike wondered if it would work for Josh as well. The man talked to Josh about it a couple of times, and Josh told him that he had one as a small child, but it had "mysteriously disappeared" in Josh's words. The hunt was on to get Josh a weighted blanket, but Mike could never afford to get him one, until this year. 

The baby beamed up at the older man and tackled him in a hug, burying his face in the crook of his Uncle Mikey's neck and whispering, "Fanks Unca' Mikey."

"I win," Mike mouthed to Ian as he returned the baby's hug and rocked the boy slowly from side to side. 

"Go see what Papa got you," Matt whispered in the baby's ear. Josh crawled over to the man and took the gift that was handed to him. It was a cherry red tie with an extravagant white design on it. It took the baby a second to realize that it was the initials of all the band members. White JR, MW, MA, IC, was in cursive writing and connected all together. Josh smiled. He would have to wear this at their next show. 

"One more, Baby Boy," Matt told the baby.

Josh ripped into the largest present that there was and gasped happily when he saw that it was the Hot Wheels Race Track that he was looking at in Best Buy yesterday. 

"Wanna play!" Josh exclaimed happily, patting the box, "pwea' guys." 

"How about was go get changed into something comfier than your big boy clothes, then we can play for a little bit, Baby Boy" Matt said.

"Tay, Papa," Josh nodded in agreement. He had been so excited that his friends had made it Christmas that he forgot about how uncomfortable his big boy clothes were.

"Weaw E'mo?" Josh asked, picking up the t-shirt and handing it to Matt before standing up himself.

"Yep," Matt said popping the 'P.'

"You two have fun cleaning up the wrapping paper," Matt told Mike and Ian, who rolled their eyes, but smiled when they heard the baby giggle. 

The day was a success.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we will get into more heavy things that will hopefully resemble a plot. Hopefully.


	5. Ramifications of Letting You In CH 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh and Matt go to dinner with Matt's family

Josh was sitting on the couch playing his Assassins Creed game that he got the previous day with his red weighted blanket on his lap and with Matt laying down right beside him. They had decided to come back home from the studio early (Mike wanted to go on a date with his girlfriend, and the rest of the guys wanted to go home and have a lazy night). Josh was becoming more and more frustrated with this one level.

"Die, motherfucker!" Josh shouted at the game, pushing harder at the buttons on the game controller as if that would help him beat the level.

"Shh, Joshy," Matt muttered softly, lightly tapping against the older man's leg "I'm trying to sleep."

Josh smirked, "it's a little too early for bed, old man," the older man teased. 

"It's just a nap," Matt mumbled, rolling onto his side and moving himself up so that his head was laying on the older man's lap. Josh smiled down at Matt and ran his fingers through Matt's soft, wavy hair.

"Whatever you say, old man," Josh chuckled, turning his attention back to his game.

"Notta old man," Matt argued, relaxing completely and closing his eyes. 

Josh hummed, now zoned back into his game and forgetting that there was an outside world for about thirty minutes until Matt's phone rang loudly. 

"Asshole," Josh said under his breath after he had a miniature heart attack and jumped from fright. Matt loved to keep his phone on maximum volume for whatever reason. One would think that the man was deaf, but Josh thought that he just liked to see how often he could scare the shit out of his friends and anyone else around him. 

"Matt phone!" Josh screamed and shook Matt almost pushing the younger man off of the couch. The younger man jumped out of sleep. Bennie ran over and barked at the younger man as if telling him to pick up his phone. 

"Tell 'im, Ben," Josh smirked, pulling her against his legs and rubbing up and down her side. 

"Gemme it," Matt said sleepily, rubbing his eyes. Josh rolled his eyes but listened to the man handing Matt the offending object. Once he did Bennie stopped barking, and Josh paused his game to continued to pet Bennie. Eventually, Bennie was able to get Josh on the floor, and they were wrestling over a toy. 

Matt rolled his eyes and walked into the kitchen so that he could hear what his mom was saying on the other end without Bennie's growling and his boyfriend's laughs. 

"Hey, Mom," Matt said as he sat down on one of the kitchen tables, "what's up." 

"We are having a little dinner with your grandparents and a few other family members, and we're wondering if you would like to come over," his mother asked. 

Why was he the last one to always find out about stuff, Matt could not help but wonder as he said, "sure mom, that sounds great," no matter how much he did not like his grandparents, "just... can Josh come with me," Matt knew that he was being a little ridiculous. Josh would survive one night without Matt, and Matt would survive one night without Josh, but Josh would look so sad if Matt said that he would leave to have dinner with his family. Matt also did not want to face his grandparents alone. At least if Josh were with him, he would have someone to talk to that was not his six-year-old cousin. Plus, Josh needed to get out more and socialize, and it would be a great time to introduce Josh to the more of his family that he had not met. Not that Matt wanted to come out to a particular part of his family as they were not exactly... supportive of his bisexuality. 

"Of course, we would love to have Josh over," his mother told him, his mom loved Josh. There was a running joke between the men that Matt's parents love Josh more than Matt and visa versa with Josh's family and that they should switch families. 

"Great, when should we be over?" Matt's mother asked. 

"Around five if you could."

"We'll be there," Matt smiled as he hung up.

Matt walked back into the living room yelling, "Josh! Stop playing with Bennie and get ready to go out."

"Why? Where?" Josh asked with a frown at being told to stop playing with his pup for any reason.

"We are going to dinner with my family," Matt told him, already leaving the living room to go to his and Josh's shared bedroom.

"Okay, I'm coming," Josh said, getting to his feet and grabbing his cane to hobble after his boyfriend. 

...

"Hey, Joshy are you almost ready?" Matt asked, walking out of the bathroom while buttoning the last three buttons on his dark blue dress shirt. It was funny; Josh did not want them to change in the same room, but they were boyfriends, and they had seen each other nude before. 

"Yeah," Josh responded, "almost, Matty."

Josh had his back turned to Matt and was trying to tie his tie. Matt looked at what Josh changed into. He was in a black shirt, one of his nicer grey jackets sat on the bed for him to put on when he was ready and form-fitting dark blue jeans. When he put on his jacket and his shirt rode up to show off his bright pink belt. Matt could not help give a slight snicker. His grandparents would hate it, but it was easy enough to hide, and hopefully, this will be one of the only few times that they would see them. Matt could only hope. 

"How's it look, Matty?" Josh asked, turning around one foot with his arms spread out. Matt smiled at the overdramatic turn, but then his smile dropped when he saw the tie that Josh had on. It was the tie that Matt gave him yesterday, and while the man was flattered that the other man wanted to wear it at all, he knew that he grandparents would not approve, they hardly approved of ties with strips, let alone a tie with an extravagant design like the one that he got Josh. 

"What's wrong?" Josh asked, his smile fading as well. He looked down at his outfit, wondering what Matt might have disapproved of. The man did not see anything. He wrung his hands together, nervously. 

"Are you sure that you want to wear the tie, Baby?" Matt asked, pointing at it. 

"Yeah," Josh nodded, shifting from foot to foot, "you got it for me." 

"I know I did," Matt felt guilty that he made the other man feel self-conscious or nervous, "I just think... " he stopped.

"You don't want me to wear it," Josh mumbled, touching the tie.

"It's not that, Baby," Matt said, trying to think of a way to say what he needed to say without hurting his boyfriend's feelings or making him feel that he somehow did some wrong.

"I-it's okay," Josh pulled off the tie and made a move to leave the room.

"Josh wait," Matt said and Josh, predictably, obeyed and stopped in his tracks. The man looked down at the floor, worrying the tie in his hands, he looked so sad and dejected, but he still listened to Matt. Josh did not try and move the other man's hand away as he rested one hand on the other man's shoulder. He was always eager to please the younger man, Matt thought. Maybe he should try a little harder to please Josh and keep him out of his family drama. 

"You want to wear the tie, don't you?" Matt asked.

Josh shrugged, but it was impossible for Matt to miss to disappointed look written on his boyfriend's face. 

"Then go head, Josh."

"Matt, I don't have to-" Josh started but was cut off by Matt-

"No, Josh, I shouldn't have tried to stop you from wearing the tie; it was wrong," Matt took the tie out of the older man's hands and put it around his neck, Josh lifted up his head, "and trust me, if I knew who to tie a tie, I would tie this tie for you. Now tie the tie so we can go."

Josh chuckled, hands going up to redo his tie, "I don't think I have ever heard the word 'tie' so many times in my life. It's starting to not sound like a word anymore."

"Whelp, tie the tie because I don't think my family would like my boyfriend to wear an untied tie, and hurry up, so we don't get tied up in traffic..."

Josh giggled shaking his head and tightening his tie grabbing the cane that he had leaned up against the bed, "it defiantly does not sound like a word anymore, Matty," Josh sassed, "stop it," hitting his boyfriend gently with his cane.

Matt walked out of the room, giggling with Josh following close behind him, "love you, Joshy."

"Love you too, I guess."

...

Matt drove up to his childhood home. The same house that Josh ran away to several times when they were teenagers. It was a large two story house. When Josh had first seen it, he thought that Matt had a lot of siblings as he did. But as it turned out, Matt only had one older sister, and his parents liked to have a lot of gatherings, so they needed a large home. 

Matt was ranting to him about how his grandparents where. How he grandparent practically owned the family, and if you piss off his grandparents you can get disowned by the family.

"I understand, Matt," Josh said, looking toward him, "I'll be a good boy. Best behavior, promise," the man crossed his heart. 

"I know you will, Baby Boy," Matt said, stroking the older man's hair, "I just wanted to warn you a little. My grandparents can be overbearing."

Josh kissed Matt cheek, "I'll be fine, Matty," he turned Matt's head so that he could kiss Matt on the lips, "I got you, don't I?"

"Yeah," Matt said breathing in and out deeply, "we'll be fine," he kissed Matt again, "now let's go, Sweetie."

Josh nodded, gulping nervously. No matter what he said to make Matt feel a little better, he was scared to death to meet Matt's grandparents after everything Matt just told him. Just be good, he said to himself, stay by Matt and everything will be fine. 

Nothing will be fine, the voice said, all you will do is screw everything up; you always do. 

Josh gulped and shook his head, no that was not true. Everything was going to be okay. 

Matt held onto Josh's hand and led him to the front door. Matt knocked on the door, and his mother answered with a big smile.

"Matt," his mother smiled reaching over to pull him into a hug. Matt let go of Josh's hand to hug his mother back. Once she got done hugging Matt, she hugged Josh tightly. Josh awkwardly hugged the older woman and looked over at Matt to save him. Matt chuckled and shook his head, taking out his phone to take a photo. 

"Come inside, boys. Come inside," Matt's mother ushered them in.

"Delete it," Josh demanded, glaring at his boyfriend.

"Delete what?" Matt asked innocently, giving Josh his best puppy dog eyes and cocking his head to the right.

"I hate you," Josh grumbled, knowing that there was no way that he was going to get his boyfriend to delete that photo. He would have to delete tonight after Matt went to sleep. 

"No, you don't."

"Says you."

"And you."

Matt looked around the room and was thankful when he saw that there were not too many people around. He saw a couple of his cousins and aunts and uncles; he saw his sister. Eight people all together counting Josh and himself. His grandparents were either not here yet or in a different room aside from the dining room or kitchen. The man looked over at his boyfriend who also seemed to be looking around the room to see who he recognized. There was probably no one aside from Matt's parents. Time in introduce. 

"Hey, Margo," Matt greeted his cousin that he had not seen in a few months as he walked over to her, holding his boyfriend. 

"Hi, Matt," Margo smiled, looking over at the man that Matt brought over with him. Said man looked extremely nervous, looking down at the floor she noticed that he had a scar on his chin, down his neck that disappeared into his shirt color and wondered what could have happened to the man. It then dawned on her who the man was.

"You must be Josh," she smiled at him and stuck out her hand for him to shake.

"Uh, y-yeah," the man hesitated only a second before taking the woman's hand, "uh, I'm Josh." 

"Matt has told you a lot about you," Margo told him with a small smile. Josh gave a small smile as well and shifted his weight from foot to foot. 

Matt and Margo started to talk, and Josh tuned out the cousins to look around the room some more. Not much had changed about the living room or dining room since the last time that Josh had been there to help Matt move into the band house. Josh could not help a small smile come to his lips he and Matt shared a lot of memories here. 

"Hey, how's Danny doing with everything?" Matt asked, pulling Josh back into conversation accidentally. 

Magro sighed, "about as good as he could be," sadly, looking over at the piano in the corner of the room where a little boy was sitting at. He seemed very sad. 

"Poor kid," Matt shook his head.

"Yeah, I haven't been able to get him to talk since it happened. He hasn't even been playing piano," Margo said mournfully.

Josh cocked his head to the right in confusion, following Matt's earlier line of sight to look at the kid, "his Daddy was not a very good man," Margo told Josh, who tried his best not to flinch at the word. She went on to explain that Danny called 9-1-1 after his father became belligerent, and the police were forced to shoot him in front of Danny. 

"Maybe Josh should go talk to him," Matt recommended. Josh looked at the younger man like he grew a second head. Was Matt insane? Sure he and Danny shared somethings in common, but what could Josh possibly do for the kid? Aside from being incredibly awkward around him and make the kid question the sanity of every adult male that he meets.

"No," Josh said while shaking his head, trying to communicate everything that he was thinking with his eyes.

"C'mon, Joshy," Matt said, "you could be good for each other."

"No, no," Josh said, taking a step back from the younger man and putting his hands out in front of him, "I'll just scare him," Josh tried to think of any excuse that he could, "with the scar and all."

"Josh," Matt crossed his arms like a stern parent, "go, what's the worst thing that can happen?"

Josh could think of a few things that could happen that would not be too good, but the man did not get the chance to list them out loud when Matt pushed him in the direction of the boy.

"Note to self," Josh said under his breath as he walked over to Danny, "the scar is not a good excuse."

Once he reached the piano where that little boy was sat at he looked back at Matt who smiled and waved at him. 

Josh sighed, "Uhh, h-hi Danny," Danny looked up at the man for a second before looking back down at his lap, "can I- uhh- can I sit here?" Danny shrugged, and Josh sat down next to the boy and crossed his legs. Josh sighed, trying to think of something that he could talk to the boy about. 

"Do you like to play the piano?" Josh asked, pointing at the piano. Danny did not move at all. 

"Can I play it?" Josh asked after a second of silence and Danny did not move. Josh played up the C major scale. Danny hesitated a second before playing the C major scale back to him in the higher octave. 

Josh smiled at him and said, "Woah, Danny, you've been holding out of me, Buddy."

Josh could see a ghost of a smile that played on his lips. Josh played the scale back down, and Danny repeated.

"Do you play any songs?" Danny asked.

"Yeah, yeah, I can play a lot of songs," Josh responded. 

Danny put his fingers on the high C and pressed it four times, two quarter notes, one half note, a quarter rest, and another quarter note. Josh recognized it almost immediately as Heart and Soul, a song that his mother taught him when he was a small child. Josh went to the bottom part, and they started to play the song together. Josh looked over to where Matt and Margo were still standing, watching them play. Matt had a small, loving smile on his face that made Josh's heart explode in happiness and he smiled back at the younger man. Margo was not holding back the big smile that she had on her face. Josh was suddenly very happy that he came over to Danny. 

"Do you know anything else?" Josh asked the boy after they got done playing Heart and Soul, and he started to play another song that Josh joined in with soon as well. Danny smiled up at the man, and Josh smiled back. 

Both boys continued to play for goodness only knows how long until Danny ran out of songs that he had memorized and needed to get into the bench where he knew he had some song books that he and Josh could play from. 

Josh was standing up, watching as the boy dug thew the music books that were in the bench and Josh felt someone come up from behind him. It was not his boyfriend, too short and it had an almost feminine air about it. Matt was anything but short and feminine. Maybe it was Margo, but Josh did not think so. The man turned around to see a much older woman who looked a little bit like Matt, but she was at least a half foot shorter than the man with snow white, long and curly hair and dark brown, almost black, eyes. The eyes seemed to stare into Josh's soul, and they made him feel vulnerable. Josh felt himself squirm. This woman was Matt's grandmother.

"H-Hi, ma'am" Josh mumbled in a voice barely above a whisper, crossing his arms to try and protect himself from the older woman, and the man rubbed up and down his triceps to try and comfort himself, he looked around for Matt, but the other man was nowhere to be found. Josh felt like whimpering. He needed Matt to get him out of this situation. He had no idea how to get out of it himself.

Stupid boy, he voice growled in the back of his head, just walk away; that's all you have to do. You don't need Matt.

But he did need Matt.

"Hello," the woman said in a tone that Josh supposed was meant to be calming but it put Josh more on edge, and he shifted his weight from foot to foot as a nervous habit, "who are you and what are you doing with my great grandson."

Josh felt himself stop breathing for a second. 

"Uh," Josh curled up on himself, trying to think of a response. Just say your name, "I-I'm Josh, and uh-"

Josh was interrupted by the little boy, "it's okay, Grandma," Danny said, "Josh is nice. He's been playing the piano with me," Danny pointed at the piano as if his grandmother would not know what it was. 

"M-Matt and Margo asked me," Josh gulped, taking a step back. 

Matt's grandmother looked the man up and down in a way that made Josh feel even more vulnerable and almost like an object. Josh did not like it. He tried his best to control his breathing so that it did not become labored (not that it worked) and he curled up a little bit more in on himself. The woman smirked, knowing that he was getting under the young man's skin. When the woman reached up to touch the scar on his face, Josh flinched back violently and took a step back. She could not do that, that was wrong. She could not touch his scar, and no one was allowed to. He did not care that this woman was Matt's grandmother. 

"Don't," Josh grumbled, he reached up to cover the scar on his face to hide it from the older woman, "don't touch it." 

The woman smirked. As the woman reached up to remove Josh's hand from his face when Matt seemingly out of nowhere and said, "hey, Joshy what's going on?"

Josh looked down at the younger man with relief in his eyes and Matt could see a small part of Josh that was thinking 'Papa, save me' and he shrugged. Matt knew how his grandmother was toward strangers, and by Josh's stance the older woman had really upset Josh already and she may have said something about the scar on Josh's face. Matt felt incredibly guilty for turning his back on Josh. He needed to get the older man out of this situation. Now.

"I-I'm just playing piano," Josh said in a voice that was barely above a whisper. 

"I heard, Baby," Matt said, not caring that his grandmother was right there and now had a scowl on her face, "my mom wants you to help us set up," he put an arm around his boyfriend and lead him away from his grandmother. 

"O-okay, Matty," Josh muttered.

"Bye-bye, Josh!" Danny waved with a sadness in his tone, and Matt thought in the back of his head that he would have to talk to Margo about Josh and Danny. It would be good for the both of them. 

Matt led the older man to the hallway so that he could calm down Josh in privacy. 

"Are you okay, Baby Boy?" Matt asked, carding his hand through his boyfriend's hair. 

Josh nodded then shook his head, breathing labored close to panic.

Matt sighed, rubbing up and down Josh's arm, "it's okay, Joshy," he assured the other man, "my grandmother's like that with everyone. Just breath, okay Joshy. Breath in and out for me."

Josh breathed in for four counts, held for three out for four and repeated the process five times while Matt played with his hair in a comforting manner. 

"Your grandmother's mean," Josh grumbled, tears entering his eyes, "she tried to touch the scar."

Matt sighed, shaking his head. He knew that Josh was self-conscious about the scar on his face. Before Matt could apologize about his grandmother's behavior, Josh apologized for whatever reason. 

"No, Baby Boy," Matt said, pulling the older man into a hug, "you have nothing to be sorry for, Baby. You did nothing wrong."

"Okay," Josh said, hiding his face in Matt's shoulder despite being a good three inches taller than the younger man. He felt a little better now that he was away from Matt's grandmother and with Matt. He breathed in Matt's sent and relaxed into the man. 

"I'm sorry for how my grandmother treated you, Baby Boy," Matt whispered in his ear.

"It's okay, Matty," Josh told him, "it's not your fault," after a few seconds of Matt holding Josh, Josh told him that he was okay to go back to the dinner.

"Are you sure, Baby?"

"Yeah," Josh smiled genuinely at the younger man, "I'm okay now, Matty."

"Okay, Baby," Matt responded with a happy smile, pressing a chaste kiss to the older man's lips, "let's go back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, I'm debating on it being the Celebrity Status music video and Josh and Matt's first atepmt at being sexual or it being about Matt's grandparents being mean to them. Both are going to happen, but I don't know which one will happen first. So, you tell me.


	6. Ramifications of Letting You In CH 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt's grandmother is a bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was more fun to wrote than I thought it would be, but I liked writing Matt freak out a little bit and not Josh. It's refreshing.

The week after the dinner with Matt's family had been an interesting one, to say the least. Josh had another therapy session with Doctor Tate, and they had talked about the previous week and Danny and the dinner in general and the date that he had with Matt, among other things. Josh nevertheless was only willing to linger on the topic about Branden for a short while. It was evident to a blind man that the therapist wanted Josh to talk about Branden, but Josh was still unable. The memories were still too fresh to talk about. It was still too terrifying. Still too real. 

Josh was only able to be little a few times; not for as long as he needed or wanted to and he told Matt that. The younger man promised that after they shot the Celebrity Status Music Video in a few days that the man would have all the time to be a baby that he wanted to. They might even take a day off for it. Josh was relieved when he heard that and could not wait until after they shot the music video. 

There had also been parts to the week that was less than ideal. Matt's grandmother had been attempting to break Josh and Matt up. They even made up that Josh was cheating on Matt with Ian because they had witnessed the two men hugging. Matt already knew that it was bullshit, and told his grandmother that (in kinder words, of course). He had told them that there was no way in Hell that Josh would cheat on Matt with anyone as he knew what that felt like, and that Josh would never want anyone to go through that sort of agony, especially with one of their best friends. And even if they did see the two other men hugging, which was entirely reasonable, that is how Josh showed people that he cared about them whether that be friendship, family, or romantically. Touch was Josh's love language, and Matt could not care less who Josh hugged, particularly when the hug was shared between friends. 

Matt talked to his grandfather about him and Josh being a couple and he had been blunt, saying that he did not like the idea of Matt being with another man. At the same time, he has said, he prioritized Matt's happiness, and while he did not like it, he would treat Josh with the same respect as anyone else. While Matt wished that he could change his grandfather mind on that subject, he knew that they was no way that it was going to happen. If his grandfather were going to respect him and his boyfriend, then Matt would respect his grandfather's beliefs. If only his grandmother were more like his grandfather.

Matt was currently at the grocery store with Josh (he told Josh to come along as they needed to pick up some things for studio and home). The man was picking up some baby shampoo for Josh while Josh was at the other side of the store getting a few snacks for the studio that they forgot to get when his phone rang. He looked at it to see that it was his grandmother calling. Matt could not help but roll his eyes, wondering what she wanted.

"Hello, Grandmother," Matt greeted, picking up the lavender baby shampoo and leaving the aisle to go into the middle of the store where he and Josh agreed to meet when they were done getting what they needed. 

"Mathew," his grandmother said in a grave voice, "I must talk to you about something."

"What is it?" Matt asked, annoyance in his tone.

"Come over," his grandmother demanded.

"Can't right now, I'm at the store with Josh," Matt said.

"Come after, and do not bring Joshua," his grandmother told him.

"Why not?" was his grandmother going to make something up about his boyfriend again? God, Matt was getting tired of this. The disrespect that she was showing both Josh and him. Josh in little space was better about not getting what he wanted than his grandmother. Sure, Josh would pout and sometimes complain, but he would move on. Matt's grandmother never moved on. She was like a dog with a bone. 

"Because, Mathew, I will not repeat myself," his grandmother told him.

"Fine, whatever," Matt huffed hanging up the phone without saying goodbye. 

And to say that Matt was tempted not to go to his mother's house (which was now his grandparent's house the gathering had been to welcome Matt's grandparents in his parents' home) and go back to the studio with Josh would be the understatement of the century. But at the same time when it came to curiosity, Matt was the cat waiting to get demolished. Whatever his grandmother had to say about Josh, he would sit down, listen to, possibly roll his eyes, ignore it, then leave and head back to the studio and cuddle his boyfriend until Josh got annoyed because Matt would be preventing him from pressing any of the buttons on the control panel. 

"Hey, Josh," Matt said as soon as Josh returned with the snacks. Matt smiled when he saw that his boyfriend got yet another case of Coke Zero. They needed to get Josh into Coke Zero anonymous. The older man had a problem.

"Hey," Josh smiled.

"After we drop whatever we need to off back home, is it okay if I just drop you back off at the studio?" Matt asked, wishing that Josh would simply say yes and not question it, but Josh was also a cat waiting to be destroyed by curiosity and asked-

"What's going on. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, Josh I'm fine," Matt hoped, "it's just I have some family things I need to take care of."

Josh gave him a worried looked as the checkout operator began scanning their items. He was wondering what was going with Matt's family. 

"Don't worry, Joshy," Matt smiled at him, "plus, it'll get me out of hearing all of the drums for at least part of the afternoon."

Josh chuckled.

"Don't laugh," Matt glared at the older man, putting his hands on his hips, "I swear every time we have a 'Drum Day' my life span decreases by at least five years."

Josh pouted, thinking about all the drum days that they have had. 

It was Matt's turn to chuckle, "I'm joking, Baby Boy."

"Don't joke about that. It's not funny," Josh said. He and Matt thanked the checkout operator.

"You miss me, and I'm not even gone," Matt smirked.

"You're not dying first," Josh told the man in a matter of fact tone. 

"Is that so," Matt giggled, "and how exactly are you planning on controlling that, Baby Boy?"

Josh seemed to think about that for a second before shrugging and getting into Matt's car. Matt laughed once again and made a vow to himself that he would never let his grandparents come between him and Josh. 

...

When Matt drove up to his parents' house, he took a deep breath to try and calm himself and prepare himself for whatever his grandmother was going to say to him about Josh. 

"Grandmother," Matt asked when his grandmother answered the door. He took in her appearance. She was as posh as ever, but she had a look on her face that seemed concerned. Whether it was fake, Matt could not tell yet.

"Come in, Mathew," his grandmother invited him inside the house. 

"What's up?" Matt asked, checking his watch, wondering if getting out of hearing drums for a while was worth spending his time with his grandmother. 

"You need to sit down," his grandmother told him, placing a hand on the young man's shoulder. Matt shrugged his grandmother's hand off his shoulder.

"Grandmother, I need to get back to the studio, just tell me whatever you need to tell me," Matt told her, crossing his arms. 

His grandmother sighed and said, "I saw Josh shot up."

Matt looked at his grandmother like she grew a second head. There was no way that Josh would do that and he told his grandmother that, "he would not do that," Matt glared at his grandmother.

Then, his grandmother started to give Matt details. A lot of details. In a place where Josh could have done it. On a day that he could have done it. At a time that he could have done it. There was way too much information, and Matt could not help it when his heart started to pound. There was no way that his grandmother could have made the story up. But his grandmother was a deceitful woman, and she could make up anything that she wanted to as long as it helped with her end goal, and right now her goal was to break up Josh and Matt. 

On the other hand, Matt's biggest fear was that Josh would go back to his past behaviors like heroin, and his grandmother was giving him all of this information, and it was too much. It sounded too real. Matt had to check. He had to.

The young man practically ran out of the house and to his car, thoughts running a hundred miles an hour. What would happen if Josh did do heroin? The man would have to go back into rehab, that was for sure. God, Josh hated rehab. He was still nervous around doctors. The older man never told Matt what happened between him and the doctors in that rehab center, but it could not have been anything good. They would need to keep it out of the media. Nothing good ever came out of sharing stuff like this with the press. But first, he would need to confront Josh, look at his inner elbow and see if the man had any track marks. If he did not do it then this whole freak out with his heart racing and his stomach feeling like it was twisting and turning would be for nothing, and he would apologize to his boyfriend and hug him. If he did, god, if he did. 

Matt felt like his heart was going to explode as he parked in front of the studio. Was this how Josh felt when he had a panic attack?

He rushed up to where Josh and the other men would be. Josh was sitting in a swivel chair at the control panel with a look of concentration on his face as he watched Ian play the drums inside of the isolation booth.

"Whoo, Casselman," Josh congratulated, "that was good, but-uhh- can you start on bar 34?"

"Sure," he started playing. 

"Josh," Matt went over to the older man, grabbing him by the shoulders and turning him, so the man was facing Matt. 

"Hey," Josh's eyes widened, and he looked at Matt, "what's up?" he said with concern in his tone. 

"Show me your arms," Matt said in a quick, panicked voice. 

Josh looked at the younger man with a confused look and asked, "why? What's wrong, Matty," Josh distantly hear Ian stop playing the drums and Mike standing, asking Matt what was wrong.

"Josh, just show me your arms!" Matt shouted. Josh whimpered and curled up on himself. He held out his right arm out to Matt. Matt instantly pulled up Josh's sleeve, looking at his inner elbow. There was nothing.

"Matt, what are you doing?" Ian asked as he came back into the room. 

Matt did not answer; instead, he took Josh left arm and looked at his inner elbow. He was clean. 

"Thank God," Matt whispered more to himself, engulfing the older man in a bone-crushing hug.

"Matty," Josh whispered as he returned the hug, sounding very confused and slightly scared, "not that I don't like the hug, but what's wrong." Matt did not answer the question, and he merely hugged Josh a little tighter.

"Matt," Mike joined in the conversation, "seriously, you come in here like someone stole your baby. I think we all need an explanation."

"My grandmother," Matt said, then anger consumed him, "my fucking grandmother."

Matt let go of the older man and ran out of the studio ignoring the shouts of 'Matt,' and he did not hear the footsteps that follow.

"Mathew Ian Webb!" Josh shouted once they were outside of the studio and almost to his car. Matt stopped running, turning back to see Josh limping toward him. Once the older man reached Matt, he took a second to catch his breath, "don't do that, Matt," he told the younger man, out of breath, "what is going on, man, why did you want to see my arms, what did your grandmother say? 

"My grandmother said that she saw you take drugs," Matt told him. Josh looked at him with a shocked expression.

"I-I," Josh stammered, "I-I'm not. I wouldn't."

"I know, Baby, I know," Matt said, "I was just so worried. And I..." Matt paused, not able to explain what he was thinking to his boyfriend. 

Josh shook his head and said, "do me a favor and never believe anything your grandmother says ever again." 

"I'm sorry, Baby," Matt hugged his boyfriend.

"You can make it up to me by buying me pizza," Josh smirked.

Matt could not help but chuckle, "you got it, Joshy."

Matt got into his car, "where are you going now?" Josh asked cocking his head to the right.

"I'm going to give my grandmother a piece of my mind," Matt said, eyes still burning with anger. 

"Matt," Josh said and was about to say more when Matt asked-

"Do you want to go or not, Josh?" even though he did not want Josh to see his grandmother ever again or see how angry he could get. 

Josh rolled his eyes but hopped into the car anyway, and there was no way that he was going to let Matt face his grandmother alone. Not when he looked so angry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be Matt going off on his grandmother.


	7. Ramifications of Letting You In CH 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt and Josh tell Grandmother how it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned put fluffier than I thought it would. Something is wrong with me, I think.

To say that Matt was angry would be an understatement. His grandmother lied to him, not that his grandmother laying was out of the ordinary, but she lied to him about Josh. Not only that, but she lied to him about the worst possible thing that she could lie to him about, Josh's drug use. Not that there was any of that anymore. She told Matt that Josh was using. And Matt had believed her. He had been so stupid; there was no way that Josh would ever use again and Matt knew that. Matt knew that, but the man still rushed to the studio and demanded that Josh show him proof that the older man was not doing drugs again. The younger man felt horrible that he would ever do that to Josh. His boyfriend and baby boy. He pushed his guilt to the side; however, the man would have all the time in the world to apologize and make it up to the older man. Starting with an order of pizza from Josh's favorite pizza joint and a cuddle and watching a movie. That sounded very nice, but right now the man needed to give his grandmother a piece of his mind. Show her that it was not okay to lie about and disrespect Josh as she did. Josh had enough problems with self-esteem without his grandmother's help.

Matt was trying not to let his anger show with Josh right there in the passenger's seat. The older man would somehow try and blame himself for all of this, and be scared that Matt was angry at him, even though he could never be mad with the older man. That was just how Josh thought, whenever someone was mad he felt that it was his fault, and the man would feel bad and get scared that anger was going to be taken out on him (which in his past usually meant that he would be hit). The shame and guilt and self-blame was something that they needed desperately to work on, but right now Matt was trying his best not to show his anger. 

It did not stop him from clinching onto the wheel so hard that his knuckles turned white and his breathing picking up slightly. 

No matter how much he tried to control himself, Josh was an expert on picking up on others emotions, especially negative emotions, and could see that the younger man was mad. But Josh knew that he was not angry at him, Matt could not be. The younger man was mad at his grandmother for lying, lying about Josh. But Josh was not about to make the man more upset by doing something wrong or bad, so he sat in the passenger seat with his hands folded in his lap, looking ahead on the road, completely still. The man only moved to put the visor down so that the sun did not hurt his eyes. 

Matt supposed that Josh actually moving when someone was angry around him, was progress, he usually would sit as still as humanly possible. As if he thought that if he did not move no one could see him, and they would not get more upset or hurt him. 

Matt breathed out slowly and took Josh's hand in his own, knowing that if he were going to show Josh that he was not mad at him, then touch would be the way to go. Josh hardly ever believed spoken words. Words could be manipulated and controlled; they could be used to lie. A touch, however, could not lie, especially a "soft/nice touch" as Josh called them. Hand holding counted as a "nice touch." Matt would never touch Josh in a "hard" or "mean" way. The man could not. 

The tightness that was growing in Josh's shoulders relaxed and Josh leaned a little closer to Matt.

"Good boy," Matt whispered, rubbing his thumbs across the older man's knuckles. 

Josh's lips turned up into a small smile. Matt was defiantly not mad at him.

About five minutes later, they parked in front of Matt's parents' house. Matt looked over at Josh how looked over to him as well. 

"You show probably stay out here, Baby Boy," Matt told him. 

"No way," Josh said, "if I wanted to stay, I would not have come."

"Josh," Matt said, sounding exasperated with the man.

"Matt," Josh said in the same tone, not backing down on this. 

"God, you've become stubborn in this last month," Matt said, mostly to himself. He left out the part that he loved it, loved that his Joshy was getting more to himself, but younger man communicated it by patting the older man on the shoulder and leaving the vehicle, knowing that Josh would follow.

Matt knocked on the front door, and his mom answered a few seconds later. 

"Hey, Mom," Matt smiled, "do you know where Grandmother is?"

"She's right in here," Matt mother moved out of the way and gave them some privacy under the impression that she needed to pick something up at the grocery store once she noticed the tension in the room. 

"Mathew," before his grandmother could say anything else, Matt interrupted with a-

"Why did you lie?" through gritted teeth.

"What are you talking about?" she asked with a fake question in her tone. It honestly reminded Josh of Branden in a way, and he tried not to shiver at that, but if she was like Him then he, unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), knew what she would do next. Deny, plead innocence, project, possibly get angry, then kick them out of the house. Sounded normal to him — psychopathic normal.

"Anyone do drugs here?" Josh asked looking up slightly with his eyes and smirking slightly.

"What are you talking about?" 

"You lied, Grandmother," Matt said, "deny all you want, but you lied to me. You said you saw Josh take Heroin."

"Now Mathew, I never said Heroin," Josh recognized this tactic. She was trying to use semantics to back Matt into a corner to say that he was lying or call him crazy, claiming that what he is declaring never happened because she never explicitly said Heroin. Not here, never again. 

"Semantics," Josh said bluntly, "you didn't say Heroin because you knew that it would sound too suspicious. How where you supposed to know my drug of chose was Heroin?"

"I haven't known until now," the Grandmother said, tucking her hair behind her hair.

Somehow Josh found that hard to believe, but Josh did not say anything, giving Matt a chance to speak.

"I don't care what you know," Matt said, "what I care about it that you lied to me about my boyfriend and I want to know why."

While Josh's heart fluttered at being called Matt's boyfriend in front of his grandmother, Matt's grandmother became hot with rage that she was able to keep down. 

"I would never lie to you," Matt was barely able to hold back a scoff, and Josh did not bother, "if he says he did not do anything, then I must have mistaken someone else for him."

Josh was hardly able to hold back a call of bullshit as clicked his tongue (a classic sign that he was about to say something sassy) as he said, "I am a 6 foot 3 man with emo style blue hair and a big scar on his face," he traced the scar with the tips of his first three fingers."My point is that I am a bizarre looking man. It would be impossible for you to mistake someone as me."

The grandmother stood, marching her way over to Josh, who was still sitting down, "I will take this disrespect."

Josh felt a surge of fear, but the man pushed it down. He was fine; he had Matt and Matt would not let anyone hurt him, even his grandmother. He sent a look over to Matt, asking him to get his grandmother away from him, that he felt uncomfortable with her so close.

"Grandmother sit down," Matt tried to order, but it did not work. 

"You are going to choose this addict," she pointed at Josh, "this mentally ill man," she said man like an insult, "over your family."

"If choosing Josh means that I won't get lied to, then yes," Matt said, calling her bluff, wishing that he could wrap Josh up in a hug when he saw the older man flinch at the words addict and mentally ill. Josh had been doing good, better than Matt expected. He was standing up for himself in his own sassy way, and Matt loved seeing that, but he knew that Josh was wearing thin. He was ready to get out of here and back to the studio, maybe have a cuddle in between. 

"I can't believe you, Mathew," his grandmother said, disappointment clear in his tone.

"I can," Josh said under his breath. He did not even realize that the words came out of his mouth until he felt cold, thin finger touch his face- his scar.

Josh gasped, recoiling back violently, tears entered his eyes as Matt's grandmother followed him, "stop it," Josh demanded.

Matt grasped his grandmother wrist in a firm grasp, nowhere near enough to hurt just enough make her get her hands off of his Joshy. When his grandmother gasped much as Josh did a second earlier like it hurt he said-

"This doesn't hurt, I know," in a cold voice, "let me make myself clear, I don't want you to touch Josh, don't even come near him. Don't breath his name, don't even think about him."

"You know what I can do, Mathew," she said, once Matt let go of her wrist.

"Yet, you haven't done it," he glared at his grandmother, knowing that she would not do anything.

The younger man turned back to his boyfriend, looking him up and down. He was upset that his grandmother touched his scar, he was holding it almost like it hurt, and there were tears in his eyes that he refused to let drop. 

"Let's get out of here, Baby Boy," Matt said, patting the man's shoulder. Josh nodded and stood up, waiting for Matt's lead as he walked toward the door.

Once they were outside, and next to the car, Josh could not help it, he wrapped his arms around Matt's waist from behind and curled around him, placing his head on top if Matt's. Josh was like a protective shield. 

"'m sorry," Josh muttered into Matt's hair.

"Hey it's okay," Matt tried to turn around to face him, but Josh held on tighter, not wanting Matt to move. Matt needed a cuddle, no matter how much Matt did not realize it. 

"You did nothing wrong Baby Boy," Matt told the older man, rubbing his hands that were flat against his stomach in a soothing manner. 

"I know," Josh muttered, "I-I'm just... sorry that she's your grandmother."

"Nothing that can be done about that, Baby," Matt chuckled.

"I'm sorry."

Matt leaned back into Josh, trying to throw the man off balance so that he could take control of the hug, but it did not work. Josh held on firm and said- 

"Stop it. I wanna hold you, please." 

"I love you, Baby Boy" Matt chuckled.

"Love you too Matty," Josh said, then chuckled.

"What?"

"I like how you went all Papa Bear on her in there," Matt hung his head. Protectiveness for Josh was one of Matt strong suits, "That's a good nickname for you- Papa Bear."

"You know how much I hate nicknames," Matt said with an eye roll.

"Whatever you say, Papa Bear," Matt could feel Josh's smirk and the man knew that 'Papa Bear' would be a new thing for them. 

"Now let's go," Matt said, pulling away from the older man, "before the neighbors start talking."

"Let them talk."

Matt chuckled, "you want that pizza, don't you?" Josh nodded, Matt patted the older man's hands, "then let's go. The faster we get out of the studio, the faster I can get you that pizza, Baby Boy."

"Okay, Papa Bear," Josh let go of the man, and Matt knew that if the boy could, he could have skipped to the car. 

"Definitely a thing now," Matt shook his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be a sad chapter, you have been warned.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt and Josh's first time aptempting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: GRAOHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF SEX AND DESCRIPTIONS OF PAST SEXUAL ASSULT/ ABUSE.

Josh was in therapy, I was going okay, but Dr. Tate was trying to breach the topic of Branden, but it was evident that the man did not want to talk about it. So, she tried something new with the man.

"Josh, you know that we need to talk about Branden?" she asked.

Josh ducked his head and nodded. He knew that she wanted him to and that it would probably be better if he did, but the sick feeling that he got in his gut- like he was going to throw up- and the tightness in his chest. He could not.

"So, how about this," Dr. Tate asked, waiting until Josh looked up at her before continuing, "we talk about Branden for ten minutes, then we can move on."

Josh gulped, this was not going to be easy, but he nodded anyway and said, "uh, ye-yeah, sure." 

Dr. Tate got out her phone and set the timer so that it would sound when it was done, "tell me about him, in the beginning," she said, setting the timer and putting her phone face down on the table so that neither of them could see it. 

"He was H-he was... nice," Josh said, not believing that such a word was coming out of his mouth to describe that man. But it was true, in the beginning, he was nice — every boys' (or girls') dream.

"Nice how?"

"He supported me in every way that He could, even financially for a while when the band was not doing too hot," Josh said, playing with his fingers and squirmed around for a second, "He was the first person that I told I regress." 

"When did that start to change?"

"It changed in little ways. First, He wanted me to move in with Him because He said that He would get jealous and that it would help Him take care of my little side. I did not have a car at the time, and He would not drive me places because of a fight, whether real or not. It did not matter. He would force me to apologize before He would drive me wherever I needed to go," Josh cleared his throat, "He did not want me to talk or hang out with any of the guys or any of my male friends. It made Him jealous.

"When did Branden get physically abusive?" Dr. Tate asked, sympathy in her eyes.

Josh shivered, and tears entered his eyes as he remembered at the first time that He was sexually abusive, "about a year into the relationship we got into a huge fight and He said that He would not drive me to the studio until I apologized. I did not think that I should have to so I-I called Matt and asked him to pick me up. I said that His car broke down and Matt came to get me. He was not happy, but I did not care, I just wanted to get to the studio and work. We were so close to finishing that album," Josh cleared his throat, trying not to cry as he continued, "when I got home late that night, we apologized to each other and moved on. He tried to get- uh- s-sexual with me, but I was tired. I-I did not want to do anything sexual. I just wanted to sleep," Josh's voice broke, thinking that if he had agreed to what Branden wanted then what happened next never would have.

"He said that He- uh- that He would not forgive me if I did not have sex with Him. So, I told him that he could be mad at me and I went to sleep," Josh squirmed, "I-I uh I woke up later from pain in my- uh- y-you know," Josh winced, remembering the pain. Dr. Tate nodded for him to continue. "It hurt," Josh let out a small whimper, "I-I did not know what was going on, I was so confused. I- uh- I slipped into little space as a... coping mechanism, I guess. I cried and shouted for Him."

Daddy! Daddy! Make it stop! It huwts! Pwea' make it go! No mowe! Dada! Josh sniffed and wiped the wetness that fell down his face.

"I-I just want Him to make the pain stop. But He stroked my hair and told me to calm down. That He would make me feel good if I relaxed," Josh's voice broke, and he did not wipe away the tears that fell down his face, there was no point "I-uh- I passed out due to the pain.

When I work up, I was still- uh- sore. I did not believe that what happened, happened. I-I uh, did not want to believe it. I thought that it was just a nightmare, but when I went to the bathroom I saw blood in my underwear, and I knew what happened."

"Why didn't you leave then?"

"I-I don't know," Josh sobbed, "I felt so trapped. I-I didn't even have a car, and I did not want to tell anyone what happened. I didn't think that anyone would believe me," Josh said in a rush, "I did not know what to do, so I did not say anything about it, and I avoided Him at all cost. I- a few days later He apologized. A-and I forgave Him. I always forgave Him," Josh jumped as the timer beeped, and sighed in relief and shook, trying to compose himself and stop crying. He wished that Matt was there to give him a cuddle, but he was not, he was going to ask for a cuddle afterword. 

"I'm sorry," Josh apologized as he wiped away the rest of his tears. 

"It's okay," Dr. Tate said, "I understand, Branden had complete control over your life, it is normal not to feel like there is a way out when you feel that way.

Josh sniffled and nodded, happy when she finally moved on from the topic of Branden.

...

"Josh it's time to wake up!" someone shouted, Ian he thinks. 

"Go away," the younger man replied sleepily. 

"Nope, no way," Ian demanded walking over to the man in the bed, pulling his weighted blanket off of him, "get up."

Josh whined, "no, cold," Josh curled up as much as he could to fight off the cold of his room. Where was Matt? He probably woke up already. 

"C'mon, Bud," Ian said, "we are not going to be late to the video shoot because you can't wake up," Josh grumbled and turned away from the older man.

"Okay, that's it. I'm getting the water," Ian told him, threatening to pour a bucket of freezing water on him,

Knowing that Ian would make good on his threat Josh popped up and said, "okay, okay, I'm up! I promise!"

Ian just chuckled evilly.

"Matty!" Josh shouted walking quickly into the living room to find that his boyfriend was eating, "don't let Ian pour water on me."

...

Josh was delighted that he woke up that day. He forgot how much he loved shooting music videos. The only thing that bothered Josh was that the makeup artist could not cover the scar completely. Josh ended up becoming frustrated that people were touching his scar and told them (kindly) to forget about it. That it was okay to leave the scar bare. The man was concerned about what people in the comments would say. People could be mean. He simply would not look at the comments. Easier said than done.

His favorite part so far was the first scene where he flipped over the couch. The guys had been concerned about it as he still walked with a cane, but he was fine. 

His least favorite part was a fire part. The person that was telling him that everything was going to be fine was covered in burns. That was not scary at all. It had scared him when the T.V. exploded, and Mike was yelling at him to jump over the couch. But it had been fine. 

Now they were shooting the Calvan Klein scene, and Josh was defiantly not looking when Matt was doing the Calvan Klein scene of the music video. Nope, defiantly not. He was not taking in all of the spray-painted on muscles and wondering what he would look like if he were to build real muscle. The older man did not lick his lips when Matt teasingly pulled down slightly on his pants. And he did not blush a bright red that must have made him look like a lobster when Matt smirked over at him and gave him a little wink. 

He might have a new favorite scene. 

Josh looked down at the ground, only looking back up when he felt Matt approach him. Matt had a little smirk on his face as he walked up to his boyfriend. Josh was red as a tomato, an adorable tomato, and he was defiantly thinking something not holy. 

"Enjoy the show?" Matt teased, putting his hands on his hip and chuckled when Josh turned even redder, blush disappearing down the color of his shirt and making Matt want to kiss him and run his fingers through his hair. Josh was too cute when he was embarrassed.

"Shut up," Josh mumbled, stuffing his hands in his pockets and looking down at the ground and shifting his weight from side to side. 

Matt could not help but reach up and kiss the older man on the lips, "you're adorable."

"Shut up," Josh repeated.

"Is that all you know how to say right now?" Matt asked kissing the man again and running his hand through Josh's short hair. Josh kissed back and wrapped his arms around his waist.

"Maybe," Josh whispered, stealing a glance at the man's shirtless chest. He licked his lips. 

"Hey, Baby," Matt said a smirk teasingly playing on his lips, "eyes up here."

Josh snorted and laugh as Matt hooked a finger under his chin and forced him to make eye contact, "shut up."

"Back to that, Baby Boy?" Matt asked, stealing another kiss, "I'm hurt."

"I'm sure, Matty," Josh retorted. He was kissing Matt again, hoping that they were in no rush to shot the next scene. 

They called them to the next scene not even a few seconds later and Matt smirk as he whispered, "not the only thing that hurts," Matt kissed Josh one more time and turned to walk away, leaving Josh rooted in his spot. 

It took Josh's brain a few moments to comprehend what Matt was talking about, but when he did, he blushed even harder (how was that even possible), and his thoughts raced. He knew that Matt wanted to take their relationship there. They had been dating for a few months now, and he supposed that he should be ready. But just the thought of being more intimate with that older man than just the kisses and touches that was more than familiar to Josh. Just the thought of being sexual made his heart pound and his stomach twist. He was not ready. He should be, he should be able to separate his intimacy with Branden and his intimacy with Matt, but he could not. And didn't that just make him feel like shit?

Josh looked down at the ground as he followed Matt to the next scene.

Later that night, at home, Ian and Mike were out with their friends and family to celebrate the recording of the music video. Josh and Matt were going to go with them, but they wanted to spend some quality time together. Aka, laying in bed making out like a teenaged couple because one of them was too scared to take it there. Maybe he should not be so afraid. 

Matt was on top of Josh, kissing him and letting his hands explore the now familiar body of his boyfriend, both shirtless.

"M-Matt," Josh stammered, looking at the younger man.

"Yeah, Baby Boy?" Matt asked, lifting his body up so that he could look at the older man.

"Uh- I think- uh..." Josh squirmed slightly, purposefully rubbing their clothed groins together with a small moan. 

Matt gasped in shock, not expecting Josh to do that, "are you sure, Baby?" Matt asked in a husky voice.

Josh thought about that, was he sure. No. He was not, but he knew that Matt wanted to do it, so he wanted to try. Josh breathed in and out deeply and nodded, "yes."

Matt smiled, hoping that the man was right. The younger man allowed his hands to travel down. Matt rubbed Josh's already half hard cock. Josh moaned that went right to Matt's dick.

"Take them off," Josh moaned, the harsh zipper feeling uncomfortable, "Please."

Matt chuckled, kissing the older man, "you got it, Baby Boy," Matt pulled down his jeans and threw them to the side. Josh pulled Matt into another, heated kiss. Josh helped Matt take off his jeans and underwear. 

Josh and Matt withered against each other for a few seconds. Josh was not used to this, the foreplay, Branden liked to jump right into it, and after a while he got impatient. Josh moved his hips up a little more forcefully and held onto Matt tighter.

"More, please, Matty," Josh breathed.

Matt smiled, admittedly liking when Josh begged, "okay, Baby," Matt whispered in Josh's ear. Matt pressed kisses all down Josh's neck, sucking his neck when he got to the perfect spot. Josh moaned and rolled his head back so that his neck was exposed more. Matt moved his hand down Josh's chest, over his nipples, down the flat of his stomach, and finally to was waistband of Josh's boxers. Matt continued to suck on Josh's neck as he swiftly removed Josh's boxers. Josh's dick slapped against his stomach. The older man was straining. 

Matt could not help but smile, and he said, "you're a big boy aren't'ch."

Josh flushed deeper than he already was and said, "please."

"Please what?" Matt gently touching Josh's dick

"More," Josh whimpered, trying to urge the man along.

"More what, Baby," Matt asked, gripping the man in a fist and started to stroke firmly, "is this what you want, Baby?"

Josh moaned, bucking up into Matt's fist. He wanted more than this (at least he thought that he should) much more, "more."

Taking pity on the other man Matt smiled down at him, and he kissed Josh, "are you sure, Baby Boy?"

Josh was not sure. Everything felt good, better than it ever felt with Branden even when it was consensual. But he was not sure if he could do it yet, but he should at least try. Right?

"Yes," Josh groaned, trying to encourage Matt to move but at the same time he said, "just-just go s-slow, please."

"Of course, Baby," Matt promised, kissing the man again. Matt reached into his bedside table to pull out the lube. The younger man coated his first two fingers.

Matt kissed Josh as he teased Josh's hole with his first finger. Josh whimpered as Matt stuck his finger to the first knuckle. It burned but felt good.

"Are you okay, Joshy," Matt breathed, wishing that he could go a little faster, but he knew that he had to go slowly for his boyfriend's sake. He would never do anything that Josh did not say that he was ready to do. 

"Yeah," Josh gulped, "i-it just burns." 

"It's okay, Baby Boy," Matt tried to think of a different word than relax, "ease up, everything's okay."

Josh breathed in and out slowly and forced himself to relax, "it's okay, Matty."

Matt swirled his finger around until he was able to go to the second knuckles; eventually, he was able to push a second finger next to the first. Josh moaned and bucked up to Matt's fingers. It felt so good. The man could feel a sheen of sweat that made his bangs stick to his forehead. He looked up at Matt and saw that the older man's pupils were blown out wide and his cheeks were red. Josh licked his lips and kissed him. Matt caught all of Josh's little moans and squeaks with his mouth. 

"Good boy," Matt groaned scissoring his fingers inside of Josh and pumped in and out, adding one more finger, "such a good boy."

Josh moaned and whimpered at the words, mind going blank for a second at the praise. Matt smirked at Josh's reaction. Matt had a feeling that Josh would have a praise kink. 

"Good boy," Matt growled, crooking his fingers so that he rubbed up against Josh's sweet spot. Josh gave a sharp cry and whimpered as Matt continued to press against his prostate. 

"Matty, more please!" Josh shouted, holding onto Matt a little tighter, "please," he whimpered.

"You sure Baby?" Matt had to make sure, "we don't have to go that far if you don't want to." 

"Yes," Josh said, even though he was not too sure, but thinking that it had gone so good so far, he wanted to try, "please, Matty."

"Okay, Baby Boy," Matt whispered, kissing the older man deeply and he slicked himself up. Matt teased Josh's hole, paying close attention to Josh as he pushed into Josh gently. 

That's when it took a turn for the worse. 

Josh did not know what happened, everything was going good, and he should have been stretched out enough by Matt's fingers to handle it, but it burned. Really bad. It hurt! Tears entered his eyes as he was transported back to a much darker time. Suddley it was not Matt, he loving boyfriend that was making him feel good in more than one. It was Branden. Josh tensed up, and that just made it hurt worse than when Matt entered. Stop hurting. Please

"N-no, no, no! Stop please," Josh begged with a sob, squirming away from the man and his breathing picked up. He did not want to be in this situation anymore. 

"Josh, Baby, relax," Matt said, word slipping out of his mouth before he could stop it. Matt took the risk and pulled his now soft dick out of the man.

At the words, Josh felt his mental age plummet and felt a surge of panic, and the baby started sobbing. He curled up as much as he could. No! No! He did not want Him, he wanted his Papa. His Papa would save him. His Papa would stop it. Papa, please.

"Baby Boy calm down," Josh heard his Papa say as the man pulled the baby to his chest, Josh held on to Papa and cried openly into his chest.

"No mowe," Josh begged, not thinking that everything would stop because he asked, especially after he begged for it, "stop, no mowe, pwea, pwea." 

"Shh, Baby Boy," Matt whispered into the baby ear, "no more, Sweet Boy, no more. It is all done."

Josh whimpered, breathing still labored, "Papa."

"Right here, Baby Boy," Matt said, covering his baby with his weighted blankie, "God, I'm so sorry, Baby. Everything is going to be okay, Sweet Boy. Breath for Papa, Baby. Breath."

Josh breathed deeply, snuggling into his Papa's side, his weighted blankie helped him relax, the deep pressure and his Papa soothing the baby. Josh felt his Papa press a pacifier to his mouth, and the baby took it gratefully, sucking it into his mouth.

"I sowwy, Papa," Josh whimpered.

"You have nothing to be sorry about, Baby Boy," Papa told the baby, "everything's okay."

"I told ya ta stop," Josh said, tensing up slightly, hoping that his Papa would not be mad. He was not allowed to tell someone to stop. 

"Baby, you listen to me," Matt said firmly, not wanting to talk about a 'big boy' topic to his baby, but knowing that he had to. Plus, if he could get baby Josh to believe him, big Josh would believe him easier, "you can tell me to stop when we do sexual things at any time and I will. I would never get mad at you, Sweetie, and I will allows stop." 

Josh whimpered, barring his face into his Papa's chest, muttering something.

"What, Baby?"

"Wanna diapee, pwea," the baby begged.

Matt sighed, the only time that Josh begged to have a diaper on was when he wanted to regress younger than he was and needed help. Usually, it was when he needed to regress younger than two, which did not happen very often.

"Of course, Baby," Matt kissed the top of the baby's head, "do you wanna chill and take a bath," he asked, knowing that the baby would calm faster if he had a bath. 

Josh nodded, "Pwea, Papa."

After a bath, that Matt only took the baby out of when he stopped shaking, he had the baby in the thickest diaper that the baby had and a warm, fuzzy sleeper. The man tucked the baby's weighted blankie around him and held the baby tightly, only closing his eyes when he heard the baby's breathing even out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where should we go now?


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh and Matt talk

The next morning was oddly peaceful. Josh woke up later than he usually did and Matt was still right next to him. Even though the younger man would typically be up doing something at this time of day. Josh did not complain at the time, the boy was in between headspaces, and he did not want to be alone. He just wanted to snuggle and lay down all day and not do anything. The boy knew that he could force himself into his big headspace, but that would make him irritable, and Josh did not want to be like that. At the same time, Josh did not want to be little either. The boy knew that he and Matt needed to talk about what happened last night. That is what couples did; Matt would say, they addressed things that went wrong and talked about how to make it all better. But Josh did not want to talk; he did not know what happened. Everything was going great. It had felt good. Then it was scary and bad, and Josh did not know how to describe it. He did not want to talk about it. 

But Josh knew that he had to and the boy knew that Matt knew too, so it was no surprise to Josh when he was feeling a little bit bigger that Matt sat up after the third movie that they watched. Josh untangled himself from Matt to allow the younger man to sit up even though all he wanted to do was curl up and cuddle with Matt forever. 

"You know we have to talk?" Matt said, trying to catch a glimpse of Josh's eyes when the older man turned his head away from Matt and curled at a little, "right, Baby Boy?" 

"Th-there's nothing to talk about, Matt," Josh mumbled, squirming and eyebrows coming down. He did not want to talk about whatever happened. He could not.

"Josh."

"Matt..." Josh said in the same tone that Matt used as he looked up to at the younger man with tense shoulders. When Josh saw Matt's open and kind face, he deflated and bowed his head.

"Please, Matty," Josh whispered under his breath, tears coming to his eyes.

"Please what?" Matt asked.

"Don't want to talk about it," Josh said, lower lip wobbling.

"Josh," Matt sighed, knowing that the older man did not want to talk about anything that happened the previous night, but they needed to talk, "I know that you know that I know we need to talk. It's not healthy to keep that all in. We need to talk, Baby."

Josh sat up so that he and Matt could look at each other while they talked. Josh knew that Matt would not back down from this, but Josh had no idea what to say.

"I-I uh- I don't know," Josh told him, wringing his hands and looking down at them.

"Don't know what, Baby Boy?" Matt asked in a way that made Josh feel like Matt would have been a good therapist if he was not a musician. 

"Every- everything was going good," Josh told him.

"Yeah," Matt said, agreeing with the older man. At first, everything was good. Matt just wanted to know what happened between everything being good and Josh having a panic attack. 

"I-I don't know what happened when you, uh," Josh looked down and waved his hand around for a second. Josh shook his head, "you know. I just -uh- I don't know, Matty," Josh's voice broke when he said 'Matty' in a way that shattered Matt's heart. The older man needed a cuddle and, as much as Matt wanted to remain strong for Josh, Matt also needed a cuddle so the younger man opened his arm out and Josh imminently curled up into Matt's side with a small sniffle. Josh buried his face into Matt's chest to try and calm down a little bit and hide. The older man wanted to be able to explain everything that happened in his mind to Matt, but he could not. Everything was too confusing to him, and he was trying to work out what happened himself. 

When he explained this to Matt, the younger man got an idea, "do you want to talk to Dr. Tate about all of this?"

Josh thought about that a second. While, yes, talking with Dr. Tate could help Josh work through everything that happened, and he might accidentally slip and tell her anyway. But at the same time, the older man did not know how he felt about Matt going to a therapy session with him while the younger man did not explicitly say that he wanted to go to therapy with Josh it was apparent by his previous words that Matt wanted Josh to explain and talk to him about what happened. Josh did not think that he wanted Matt to come with him. It was not that the older man wanted to hide anything from Matt (they almost always talked about what Josh and Dr. Tate spoke about), it was just that therapy was always something that Josh did himself, and the thought of anyone else coming in with him scared him a little. 

Josh also knew that Dr. Tate would be able to help with Josh expressing with his emotions with Matt. Josh clicked his tongue ring against his teeth, a habit that Ian swore would take out a part of his tooth one day, and weighted the two trains of thought. 

After Josh did not speak for a second, Matt told him, "we don't have to, Baby Boy."

Josh sighed in frustration and said, "can't we just put it down to PTSD, Papa Bear?" 

Matt could not help but snort at the response and said, "we could."

"But we're not?" Josh guessed.

"I don't think so, Baby," Matt, kissing the side of Josh's head, "sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Josh said, while it could be annoying having a boyfriend that was so protective like Matt was, but Josh would much rather have a boyfriend that was slightly (extremely) overly protective than a boyfriend who did not care about his mental health and would force him to do things that he did not want to do. 

"Love you, Baby Boy," Matt said, hugging Josh a little tighter and leaning his head against Josh's. 

Josh pushed down in a way that made it evident to Matt that the older man wanted to lay down again and that the conversation was over. Matt went with Josh and let the older man snuggle into him with his head on top of the younger man's chest so that Josh could hear his heartbeat. 

"Love you too, Papa Bear," Josh mumbled once he was comfortable, "can we watch another movie?"

Matt smiled, "sure, Baby Boy."

...

Both Josh and Matt were sat down on one side of the therapist's room. Matt had always wondered what it felt like to receive therapy, to talk to a practical stranger about all of his problems. Matt was not necessarily the type of man that hides his emotions. He would talk about his issues with his friends or family, or he would keep it to himself if it did not matter too much. He never really understood how talking to a stranger could help someone through their problems, but he had never needed therapy before, so the man did not think about it that much. 

But now here he was, about to start a therapy season with his boyfriend. Dr. Tate had left to go get some paperwork that she needed to go through with Josh and Matt so that they have a paper trail of the men consenting to the therapy. 

Once that was all done Dr, Tate put the paperwork into Josh's file and turned to the two men with a small smile and said, "okay, what brings the two of you here today?"

Josh and Matt looked at each other, neither of them sure how to explain everything to Dr. Tate. 

"Uh- we tried to have..." Josh tried to explain, but he was not able to say the word 'sex.'

Used to Josh's mumbled and slightly incomplete sentences, Dr. Tate was able to decode what Josh was trying to say, and she responded with, "What happened?" even though she had an idea what happened.

"I-I couldn't do it. I-I had a flashback," Josh told her. 

"Okay," Dr. Tate said with a small nod, and she wrote something inside of her notebook, "can we start from the beginning? What did you think before it happened?"

"I don't know?" Josh squirmed, "I guess- I guess I was nervous."

"Can you tell Matt why you were nervous," Dr. Tate asked, wanting Josh and Matt to have a conversation about what happened. Dr. Tate would sit back and watch how the conversation unfolded, and she would ask questions every so often. 

"I-I didn't think I was ready," Josh admitted. Matt looked over at Dr. Tate, wondering if he could ask what he wanted to ask. Dr. Tate nodded. 

"Why didn't you tell me, Baby?"

"'cause I thought that you wanted to do it and I wanted to make you happy," Josh explained not meeting Matt's eyes, "I thought that I should be ready and didn't want to make you wait anymore."

"Josh," Matt said, taking his boyfriend's hands, "I will wait for you to be ready for sex, and you make me happy no matter what baby."

"But," Josh sighed, looking down at his lap and squirming, "why?"

"Why, what?" 

"You shouldn't have to," Josh argued, "M-Matty, you shouldn't have to wait."

Matt sighed, knowing that Josh would think that. Josh thought that he did not deserve a boyfriend that would wait for him to be ready when it came to being intimate. Josh also thought that if his boyfriend would wait, that he should not have to. In a way, Josh was right. Matt should not have to wait, but he loved Josh too much, and he would wait for him. 

"You are right, Baby. I should not have to wait," Matt admitted, "But I will, Baby Boy. I love you too much not to wait."

"I love you too, Matty," Josh said, feeling a little bit better with what Matt told him, though he still did not understand why Matt would wait for him, Josh was willing to accept it. 

Matt kissed Josh's hands and let go of one of them. 

Now that they had that mostly figured out that situation, they needed to talk about what exactly caused Josh's flashback.

"What happened that made the flashback start?" Dr. Tate asked.

"When Matt tried- uh- penetration," Josh told her.

Dr. Tate thought for a second. Then she was able to put two and two together, "Josh, can you think back to the first time that Branden raped you. What happened? What was going on?" she asked.

Josh squirmed around for a second, not wanting to think back to that again for the second time in two weeks, but when he did, it made sense why to Josh why he would freak out, but he did not say anything.

"What happened, Baby?" Matt asked, scared that he did something that was similar to whatever the monster would do to him.

"Do you remember when I had to call you and ask you to pick me up to go to the studio?" Josh asked, and Matt nodded because at the man thought that the way Josh was talking was weird and he thought that the older man might have been lying. 

Matt was starting to really hate hindsight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you guys want a fluffy chapter with Mike and Ian next or a sad chapter next where Matt and Josh fight.
> 
> Both will happen eventually, but once again you guys chose.


	10. Ramifications of Letting You In CH 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh and Matt have a fight. Matt is done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MY FIRST BORN! I've been neglecting you. I am so sorry!

Josh was sitting on his and Matt's bed, typing an extremely formal e-mail to his manager that was inviting him and the rest of the band to play at a venue a little later that year. He was, of course, accepting it after getting consent from the other men. Josh was thinking about how much he hated writing formal e-mails as his phone went off on the bedside table, informing him of a text message. The man gulped and felt his heart rate spike. Josh shook his head and forced himself to breathe. Everything's okay, Josh told himself. He is dead. He cannot text or call the man anymore. It was probably one of his friends asking if the man wanted to hang out or his sister wanting to talk to him or Matt complaining about how boring it was to be wherever he was. Everything was okay. Josh sent out the e-mail before checking his phone. It was a text from a number that Josh did not recognize, he opened it.

'Hello, Josh, this is Mr. Peter," Josh felt his heart stop, but he continued to read the message, 'I understand if you never want to talk to me again, but I would like to be in contact with you.'

Josh did not know how to answer that. There was one part of him that wanted to delete this message and throw his phone into the ocean when he walked Bennie and then get a new phone and a new number that no one could figure out unless the man told it to them. But there was another side of him that wanted to respond to the message and say that he wanted to talk to the older man. Josh liked Mr. Peter, no matter the connection that he had to Josh's past. Mr. Peter was the only light that Josh had in those two weeks that he was with Branden. Not to mention, Mr. Peter was the one person that made Josh think that the way that Branden treated him was wrong by showing him kindness when he was little. 

Josh was leaning more toward the latter, so he answered with an, 'okay. What do you what to talk about?"

'How have you been?" Mr. Peter texted back not even a few seconds later.

'Good,' Josh sent before he realized that there was not much to go on, so he added, 'I'm with Matt now,' and sent that before Mr. Peter could respond.

'Is that the one with the spiky hair?' Mr. Peter asked, and Josh could practically see Mr. Peter's confused look. 

'Ew! NO! That's Mike,' Josh texted back. 

'Haha. So, the one with the contagious smile?'

Josh tried not to wince at the familiar words and wondered momentarily why everyone described Matt that way even though Josh loved the younger man's smile.

'Yay, Mr. Peter got it right!' Josh pressed send before quickly typing 'I find it insulting that you don't know the names of my friends,' before sending it.

'I'll try my best to do better, Josh,' Mr. Peter and Josh could see Mr. Peter's small smile. 

They continued to text back and forth for a couple of hours like a couple of teenage girls, but Josh left his phone on his bed when Ian shouted out to him to help the older man with something.

"What do you want, Jar Jar?" Josh asked as he left his room to go help Ian with whatever he needed. 

"Just get in here, Phil," Ian responded.

"Whatever you say, Willy Wonka."

As Josh was helping Ian with his car, Matt came home, unnoticed and walked into his and Josh's room. The first thing that the man did was shrug off his coat and flop down on his bed, too exhausted from his day to take off his shoes. But Matt felt his hip make contact with a hard metal. Matt grunted, "oww," and reached down so that he could get whatever he landed on. It was Josh's phone Matt was about to throw it onto the bedside table when he heard it chime, alerting the owner to a text. Out of habit, Matt looked at the tiny screen and saw that it said, message from Mr. Peter. 

The man felt a small pang of worry go through him at the name and opened the blackberry and read through the messages. His worry only growing as he read the conversation. To a normal person that did not know about Josh's past relationship, it would have looked like an average conversation between friends, but Matt saw something more sinister. He saw the man that was one of the main reasons that his baby boy was kidnapped and tortured for two weeks. Someone that Matt was willing to accept that Josh did not want to press charges against, but also someone that his baby boy should not talk to ever again. 

"Matty," Josh said as he entered the room, "never let me help Ian again," Josh then realized that Matt had his phone, "what're you doing with my phone?" 

"Why are you talking to Peter?" Matt said with an accusatory tone.

Josh backed up slightly due to the tone of Matt's voice, always oversensitive to over people's moods, "because I wanted to," not knowing why Matt sounded mad. 

"You don't need to talk to him," Matt demanded.

"Why not?" Josh said, annoyance in his tone, not liking that Matt was trying to tell who he was not allowed to talk to. It reminded Josh of Branden, and the older man never wanted to associate Branden with Matt. No, please, no.

"Josh," Matt said like he was talking to Josh like he was little, "he was the one that hurt you."

Josh sat next to Matt on the bed, "Mr. Peter never hurt me, Matt, he never laid a hand on me. And, please, don't think to me like I'm little. I'm not little right now. I'm a big boy, and I can make my own decisions, and that includes who I decide to text. Can I have my phone back, please?"

Matt did not know why this was the next thing that came out of his mouth; maybe he was mad that Josh was not listening to him, perhaps it was because he was scared that Josh was going to make a stupid mistake and somehow end up getting hurt due to that mistake, "like you were with the drinking?" 

The words visibly hurt Josh bt the words, but hid the hurt with anger much as Matt was showing him, "it's nothing like that, Matt," Josh hissed out.

Matt scoffed, "I'm not so sure."

"How could you say that Matt? I was hurt and trying to cope. Me texting someone that you don't want me to text is nothing like that. Now give me back my fucking phone!" Josh reached for his phone, but Matt kept it just out of the older man's grasp, standing up so that he had the height advantage over Josh. 

"You are not getting your phone back!" Matt shouted back at the older man. 

Josh felt his heart clench at the words as a voice of the past intruded on his thoughts, ' you're not getting your wallet until you apologize, you're not getting your keys back until you apologize, you're not getting your laptop back until you apologize.' Sure, Matt did not say apologize, but to Josh, the younger man might as will have. Josh was not apologizing. Not this time. 

"You can't do that, Matt!" Josh shouted, "Give me my fucking phone back!"

"Yes I can, Joshua!"

"I'm not little, Mathew!" Josh spat out the name like an insult, "and even if I was, I haven't done anything to deserve a punishment!" Josh sprang up to his feet so that he and Matt were equal. 

"We've had this conversation before!" Matt pointed out.

"This isn't like that!" Josh roared, tired of how Matt was treating him, "Give! Me! My! Fucking! Phone back!" Matt did not say anything he did not even move, and Josh felt like pulling his hair out, "You're acting just like Branden!" Josh shouted, and everything seemed to freeze.

For Matt, it was like his mind was suddenly open from being narrow from being angry and wanting his own way. He realized that he was acting like Branden, he was trying to be controlling, and Josh was reasonably mad at that. Matt also realized that he was about to be the boyfriend that yelled two inches away from his significant other's face. Matt did not want to be that, not with Josh. So Matt said, "I'm done," while throwing Josh's phone onto the bedside table and put on his coat and walked out of the bedroom door, closing the door and leaving the house. 

Josh was rooted in his spot. He did not understand what Matt just said. He was done? What did that mean? Was Matt done with the argument? Yeah, Josh was done with the fight as soon as it began. Josh always hated arguing with his friends and boyfriends, especially when it got as heated as it just got with Matt. Did he mean that he was done with Josh? Was he mad at Josh? Josh did not want Matt to be mad at him. Josh's lower lip started to wobble as he started thinking of the worst- was Matt done with the relationship? Josh felt his breathing pick up at the thought of that and tears entered his eye. Josh did not want Matt to be done with the relationship.

Josh wanted Matt!

Josh ran out of his room into the living room with his phone in hand, hoping against hope that Matt was somewhere else in the house, but Matt left. Josh picked up his phone and tried to call Matt. The younger man ignored him; Josh called Matt three more times before it went straight to voicemail. Matt turned off his phone. Josh sat down on the couch and curled up into a small ball, not having the energy to go into his room. Matt was done with Josh. Matt said that he was done and he left, and he turned off his phone. 

Josh let out a sob, slowly starting to rock himself to try and calm himself down, but he could not calm down. Matt was done with Josh. He was done. And probably was not ever going to come back, Josh wanted Matt to come back.

Matty, Matty, please come back, Josh begged in his mind. God, he just wanted Matt to come back. Josh wanted a cuddle. Josh would do anything for Matt to come back. Josh would never talk to Mr. Peter again if that meant that Matt would come back and not be done with him anymore. 

Josh let out a small cry. He just wanted his Matt. 

Josh suddenly heard the front door open, and he hoped that it was Matt, but when the man lifted his head to reveal his tear-filled eyes, he saw that Mike had just come back home from a day of being with his girlfriend. Josh started to cry even harder when he realized that it was not Matt. The man just wanted Matt. Please.

"Oh, my- Josh dude, what's wrong?" Mike asked closing the door and rushing to the younger man's side a million thoughts running through his mind. Was Josh little and had no one to take care of him? Was he hurt? Was he getting sick?

Josh whimpered and curled up a little further on himself, trying to block out the rest of the world.

"C'mon, Kiddo," Mike said in a gentle, comforting tone, assuming that Josh was little until proven otherwise, "I want to help. Can you please tell he wants wrong?"

"Matt's done," Josh sobbed.

Mike did not have time to question what the younger man meant by that before he had a lap full of Josh and the younger man was crying into his chest.

Josh sobbed, "Matt's done."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> … Sorry.
> 
> (I make it better)


	11. Ramifications of Letting You In CH 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh and Matt talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, sweet, and a little bit sappy.

Matt breathed in and out slowly to try and work out the anger that was still coursing through his veins. He knew that he had probably upset Josh by leaving like that, but Matt had to, he was about to yell in the older man's face, and that was something that the man would never be able to forgive himself for and something that would hurt Josh more than him leaving for a few minutes. Goddamnit Josh, Matt thought, why did Josh do this to him. There was no one person that Matt loved, worried about, and could get mad at more than that man. Why couldn't Josh just listen to him? That fight that they had could have bee prevented if Josh would just listen. The argument could have also have been avoided if he would have listened to Josh and let him talk instead of resorting to name calling and anger. Matt sighed, he knew that there was not one person to blame for the fight. Josh was not entirely to blame, and neither was Matt. Matt sighed again, letting all of the anger flow out of his body so that he could think clearly. The man had to admit; he was mostly to blame for the argument. Matt was the one that got mad first and did not listen when Josh tried to talk to him. The man shook his head at himself, thinking that Josh was right when he said that he was acting like Branden and Matt hated that. It made him feel awful. Matt reminded Josh of that monster. How could he? 

Matt breathed slowly. He needed to go home and talk to Josh. Matt looked around at his surroundings to try and find out where he walked to. Matt was about twenty minutes from home. The man turned on his heel and walked the way home. 

...

"Josh, you have to calm down, Kiddo," Mike said in a calm tone, rubbing the man's back to try and get him to stop crying. From what Mike could get out of Josh he and Matt had an argument, and now Josh thought that they were over. Mike knew that was not true, that Josh and Matt would not break up over some quarrel, no matter how bad. Mike just had to get Josh to see that.

Josh sniffled, rubbing his now red eyes, "Matt's done," Josh told Mike. 

"He probably just meant that he had to get out, Kid," Mike said in a comforting tone. 

"I want him to come back," Josh told him, resting his head on Mike's shoulder.

"He'll come back when he is ready," Mike told him, "he just needs to calm down."

Josh sniffled again, trying to fight another wave of tears. He desperately wanted to believe Mike. Josh wanted to believe that Matt was not done with him or the relationship, but the younger man had been so angry when he left, and he left. Matt left because he was done with Josh. That was all that Josh could think, and he hated it. He wanted Matt to come back. Josh wanted to make it right and show that Matt did not need to be done with him. Josh would do anything to make that happen. He would never talk to Mr. Peter again of Matt would just come home and not be done with him anymore. Josh just wanted his Matty.

There were a few minutes of silence, Josh leaning into Mike, trying to control his tears with Mike's arm around his shoulders, trying to comfort the younger man. 

"I'm sorry, Mike," Josh apologized, wiping his face from the tears and leaning away from Mike, now embarrassed that he cried in front of the older man when he was not in little space and that he told Mike about his relationship problems with Matt. 

"It's okay, Man," Mike said, letting Josh go so that he could sit up on his own, "what are friends for."

Josh nodded, not agreeing with Mike but accepting his response. There was comfortable silence for a few more minutes until they heard keys in the doorknob. Josh noticeably tensed and curled in on himself, looking toward the door with Mike, begging in his head that it would be Matt, though he had no idea how he would react if it were Matt. 

The door opened to reveal a much calmer looking Matt. Matt instantly felt Josh and Mike's eyes on him. Matt's eyes landed on Josh, and he saw that he was tense and curled up and his red eyes. Matt froze. 

There were a few rigid moments of utter quietness until Mike rubbed his hands together and said, "okay, I... leave you two alone to figure this out," Mike stood up and made a b-line to his room. 

Matt walked over to the couch and sat next to the older man, "hey, Man," Matt said awkwardly.

"Hi," Josh replied, voice breaking on the short word, Josh lifted up his knees and hugged them to try and comfort and protect himself, "I'm sorry."

"No, Josh," Matt said with a shake if the head, Josh winced, thinking that Matt was still angry at him.

"I-I'm s-sorry," Josh said again, not letting the younger man finish his thought.

"Joshy," Matt said, moving closer to the older man. Josh huddled up closer onto himself, but Matt did not back off, "don't, Baby Boy," Matt stroked Josh's cheek, Josh winced, "we need to talk."

"I-I uh- won't talk to Mr. Peter anymore, Matt," Josh whimpered out, and tears came to his eyes, "don't be mad anymore, I won't talk to him again."

Matt sighed, Josh would completely give up what he wanted if he thought that it would make Matt not be angry. While Matt did not like the idea of Josh talking to Mr. Peter, Josh was right; he deserved to have his autonomy and Matt did not need to be trying to control him like this- even if he was trying to protect him. 

"Josh do you want to talk to Mr. Peter?" Matt asked the older man, trying to meet Josh's eyes but Josh lowered his head. Josh shook his head to answer Matt's question. 

Matt gave the older man a look to show that he did not believe him, "Josh?" Matt asked.

Josh's lower lip trembled, "no, I don't want to," Josh denied, wishing that Matt would drop it. He was trying to make the younger man happy, but Matt did not want to accept it. 

"Baby Boy," Matt said, "don't cry, Baby, don't cry," Matt rubbed his back, and Josh gave in, leaning into Matt's side with a sob. 

"I want to make you happy," Josh told him, "wanna make you happy, please, please. I won't talk to Mr. Peter anymore."

"Josh, do you want to know how to make me happy?" Matt asked him, rubbing the older man back, Josh nodded. Josh really, really wanted to make Matt happy, "do what will make you happy, Sweet Boy. WIll talking to Mr. Peter make you happy?" 

Josh shrugged, hiding his face into Matt's shoulder.

"Joshua Ramsay," Matt scolded lightly, "tell me the truth, Buddy."

"Yes," Josh said, nodding his head, "it'll make me happy."

"Then you do it, Baby Boy," Matt said as if it was odvise, "I'm sorry for yelling at you, Sweet Boy, I thought that I knew what was best for you and tried to control you, I'm sorry for getting angry at you. You have the right to talk to whoever you want."

"You don't want me to," Josh said with a sniffle. 

"That doesn't matter, Baby," Matt said, rocking slightly, "I should have done that, Baby." 

Josh squirmed for a second, trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Matt was not mad at him anymore and that he now did not care if he talked to Mr. Peter anymore. 

"Not done with me anymore?" Josh asked, looking up at Matt with big, shiny eyes.

"No, Baby, no," Matt exclaimed, looking at Josh like he grew a second head, "I was never done with you, Honey." 

Josh sniffled, "you said you were done." 

"That's not what I meant, Baby Boy. I could never be done with you," Matt explained, "I just needed to get out because I knew I was about to yell at you and hurt you. I did not think that saying that would make you so upset, Baby." 

"I'm sorry," Josh said.

"You don't need to be sorry," Matt said, running his hand through Josh's hair. 

"Yes," Josh said, wiping his eyes from the tears that were there "I got mad too and pushed you to that. I-I called you B-Branden," Josh whimpered out the name Branden, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Baby Boy," Matt said, then smiled, "in the end we both fucked up and we are both sorry. Do you think we can move on, Sweet Boy?"

"Please," Josh begged, "don't want to fight anymore."

"Neither do I," Matt agreed, rubbing the older man's back, "just one more thing, Sweetie."

"What?" Josh asked, looking up at the younger man. 

"Talk to Mr. Peter if you want to," Matt told him, knowing that they both would feel horrible if he did not, "please, Baby Boy."

Josh nodded with a yawn, "I will," Josh snuggled into Matt's side.

"Love you, Papa Bear."

Matt smiled, "Love you too, Baby Boy."


	12. Ramifications of Letting You In CH 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh does not want to be little but he needs to be.

Josh was not feeling good. The man knew that he was not getting sick; it was not that type of not feeling good. It was the type of not feeling good that left the man unable to focus on what was in front of him. And he needed to be able to concentrate. Josh did not know what was wrong with him. He was also tired. Like he did not sleep in days tired. But he slept well last night. Matt was with him. He slept good. Why did he not feel good? Josh squirmed in his seat, trying to concentrate on the melody in front of him. But he could not. No matter how much the man tried to force himself to focus, Josh could not. Every noise required Josh's attention and everything he saw out of the corner of his eye seemed interesting to him, even if it was just one of his friends passing by. 

His inability to concentrate was beginning to frustrate the boy. He wanted to get this stupid song done so that they could start recording it before the weekend. But he could not focus on the stupid song! 

Josh did not notice that he breathing was picking up until he felt someone by his side. Josh flinched as that someone put their hand on his shoulder. The boy looked up to see that it was just Ian. 

"Hey, Bud, is something wrong?" Ian asked with concern in his tone, "you're starting to hyperventilate on me."

Josh noticed that Ian was right; his breathing was fast. Josh closed his eyes and forced himself to take a couple of deep breaths until he could breathe normally again. 

"What's wrong, Buddy?" Ian tried again.

Josh buried his face in his hands, "can't focus," Josh whined pitifully, "wanna get this song done but c'n't," tears suddenly entered the boy's eyes, and he could not stop them if he wanted to. The boy was too frustrated with himself. Josh was a big boy. He was supposed to be able to focus on music. That is what he was good at, but he could not. It was so frustrating. 

The boy started to shake from the force of trying to hold back his tears. He would not cry! He was a big boy! Big boys don't cry over anything. Especially when they were just being stupid about something. 

"Hey, hey, hey Buddy," Ian said as he rubbed Josh's back, "don't cry. Let's take a break from the song. Let's take a break from the song, Buddy." 

"No," Josh whined, shaking his head. He had to get the song done! He had to; he could not take a break.

"Hey, hey, hey," Ian said again, knowing that his friend was starting to feel little even if Josh did not know it yet, "how long has it been since you've been little?" Ian asked, recalling that he had not seen little Josh in a while, probably for a month or two. 

"Not little," Josh whimpered as his lower lip wobbled. Josh was not little. He was not! Josh was a big boy and needed to finish the song. Please, Ian, please. He just needed to finish the song. 

"I know you're not little," Ian said, even though he knew that the boy was, "I'm just asking, Bubby."

"I no know," Josh cried, starting weep into his hands. He did not know when the last time he was little. He did not want to be a baby; he wanted to finish the song. 

"C'mere, Buddy, come here," Ian told the baby, pulling him into a hug. Josh held onto his Uncle Cassie and cried into his chest.

"I wanna finish a song," Josh cried, the baby did not want to be little, he wanted to finish the song. 

"I know, Buddy, I know," Ian whispered soothingly into the baby's ear, "c'mon, Buddy, calm down," Ian rubbed the baby's back, "do you want your Papa?"

Josh whimpered and nodded. He wanted his Papa. Papa would make him feel better. He would fix everything. "Wa-want Papa," Josh sobbed. 

Ian texted Matt, with one hand, telling the younger man that Josh was little and needed him. 

"Coming," Matt texted back. 

"Your Papa's coming, Buddy," Ian said, "let's go to the couch, Bud."

Josh whined but did not fight when Ian helped him up and led him to the couch where the man held onto him as the baby tried to spot his tears. Not even five minutes later Matt rushed into the studio, closing the door behind him so that no one would be able to look in on what was happening. 

"Hey, Baby Boy," Matt said in a high-pitched tone, hurrying over to his baby and rubbing Josh's back once he was with him.

"Papa," Josh hiccuped, squirming so that he could rest his head on his Papa's chest but could still feel his Uncle Cassie behind him.

"Papa's right here, Baby Boy," Matt soothed, wrapping his baby up in his arms and running his fingers through his hair, "calm down, Sweetie."

The baby sniffled. He whipped his eyes of the tears there and looked up at his Papa. 

Matt smiled down at his baby, "Hey there, Baby Boy. Why are you so sad?" Matt asked.

Josh pouted and sniffled again, "wanna finish a song," the baby explained, "but c'n't focus."

"I think it's time of us to call it quits today then, Baby Boy," Matt said, knowing that Josh would not like that idea and was proven right when Josh whimpered. 

"No," Josh whined, "w-wanna w-w-wanna finish." 

"I know you do, Baby Boy," Matt responded, starting to rock slowly, "but you need to let yourself be little, Sweet Boy. You can finish the song anytime, okay, Sweet Boy. We have plenty of time."

Josh knew that his Papa was right. The baby needed to let himself be little, just for a little bit. Josh would not be able to focus or do any adult things until he was little for a while. Josh also knew that he had plenty of time to write the songs. Josh whimpered and said, "tay, Papa."

"Okay, Baby Boy," Matt said, "let's go home, Baby Boy. You can get into some comfy baby clothes; then we can get some lunch, maybe take a little nap then we can play with your toys. Doesn't that sound nice, Sweet Boy?" 

"S-Sound good, Papa," Josh said, relaxing into his Papa's side. And it did sound nice, his big boy clothes were starting to become uncomfortable, and he was hungry and sleepy, and he did want to play after eating and a nap. 

"Let's go home then, Buddy," Uncle Cassie said, patting the baby's leg and standing. 

...

When Josh, Matt, and Ian got home, Matt got the baby into his room immediately, "c'mon, Sweet Boy. Let's get you out of your yucky big boy clothes, okay."

"Tay, Papa," the baby said, rubbing his eyes. He was sleepy, but Papa said that he needed to get into his baby clothes and he needed to eat. 

Matt led the baby into his room and asked, "what do you wanna wear Baby Boy?"

"Uhh-" Josh hesitated a moment before he answered, "c'n I wear E'mo?"

"Which one, Baby Boy?" Matt asked, walking over to the closet and pulling out a diaper.

"Kissmas one, pwea?" Josh asked politely. 

Matt smiled and said, "you got it, Baby Boy."

Josh smiled back at the man and went over to get his Teddy from his bed and a pacifier. The baby listened to his Papa and laid down so that his Papa could change him. The baby sighed, feeling much better in his Elmo shirt, sweat pants, and diaper. 

Josh yawned and stretched. Matt chuckled at his baby and said, "let's go get something to eat, Baby, then you can take a nap," the baby nodded and stood with his Papa. Josh grabbed his Papa's hand and let his Papa lead him to the kitchen where his Uncle Cassie was warming up the chicken stir fry that Josh made last night. 

"Fank 'oo, Unca' Cassie," Josh said when his Uncle Cassie placed the blow in front of him. 

"Your welcome," Ian said, ruffling the boy's hair as he placed a blow in front of Matt and sat down to eat himself. 

"Papa do it?" Josh asked with his puppy dog eyes. 

His Papa chuckled and said, "you got it, Baby Boy," spooning a bite of food and feeding it to the baby. 

"Good boy," Matt praised after the baby finished eating. The baby deserved it. The baby had come very far with eating and Matt was proud of him. They no longer had to fight with Josh to eat, and he would eat all of the food that the men gave them. 

"I s'eep, Papa," Josh complained, rubbing his eyes as if to explain how sleepy he was. The baby stood up.

"Let's go take a nap, Baby Boy," his Papa said, putting his hand on the baby's upper back to guide him to his room. 

"Uh-" Josh stammered, leaning away from his Papa's touch. 

"What is it, Baby?" Matt asked, rubbing the baby's back, in case he was starting to become panicky. 

"C-can Unca' Cassie do it?" Josh asked in a sweet voice. Would his Papa get mad at him because he asked for his Uncle Cassie to help him?

"Uncle Cassie?" Matt asked, looking over at the older man. 

Ian smiled. It was rare that the baby asked for anyone else but his Papa to help him go to bed and it warmed Ian's heart when Josh asked him to help him.

"Sure, Buddy," Ian said, taking hold of the baby's hand to lead him to his room, "have fun washing the dishes, Webb," Ian told the younger man. Matt huffed, and Josh giggled.

Once they entered the baby's room, Ian asked, "are you wet or anything, Bud?"

Josh shook his head, "no, I no wet. Jus' s'eepy."

"Get in bed," Ian ordered, lifting the comforter up. Josh crawled into bed and sighed in contentment when his Uncle Cassie tucked him in. 

"Unca' Cassie?" Josh asked, looking up at his uncle with sleepy eyes.

"Yes, Buddy?" Ian asked, sitting down on the bed, already having an idea what the baby wanted. 

"Paci and stowy, pwea'?" Josh asked. 

Ian reached over and picked up on of Josh's pacifiers and held it to the baby's lips. Josh suckled the pacifier into his mouth. 

"What story do you want?" Ian asked, going over to the baby's bookshelf where he kept all of his book for both his big and little side. 

"Bambi?" Josh asked. 

Ian pick out the requested book and walked over to the bed and sitting down next to the baby. Ian let the baby snuggle into his side. Josh rested his head on his Uncle Cassie's chest and closed his eyes while his suckled on his pacifier, waiting for his Uncle Cassie to start reading. 

"One day a deer was born, his name was Bambi. His mother washed him all over with her tongue.

'Bambi,' she said, 'My little Bambi.'

The young Bambi was curious about everything. He learned he was a deer, and so was his mother. He learned there are other deer in the forest, and someday he would meet them. Bambi learned that dears made the trails his mother followed. Bugs and critters, sounds and smells. So many wonders to explore!"

Ian could not help but compare Josh to Bambi, at least a little bit. Both Bambi and Josh were curious about everything and wanted to know everything about something that they were interested in. That sometimes got Josh into trouble, but the boy seemed to like to get in trouble sometimes and push his boundaries. 

Josh yawned and snuggled deeper into his Uncle Cassie. The baby felt more sleepy, but he wanted to stay up to listen to the rest of the story. 

Ian continued-

"Sometimes on a trail, suddenly his mother would stop still. She would open her ears wide and listen from all directions. First over there! Then here! Bambi would wait. At last, she said, 'It’s all right. There’s no danger. We can go,' then the two of them would start on the trail again. But he did not know why they had to do this."

By the time Ian finished this part of the story, the baby was asleep. The baby breathed deeply and suckled slowly on his pacifier in his sleep. Ian did not stop reading the story, knowing that if he did not finish the story the baby would somehow know, and he would wake up and ask the man to finish. 

“'Listen to me,' said Bambi to the two fawns. 'You must watch and listen. Find out for yourself. You will be fine on your own.'" Ian finished the story. 

"Night, Buddy," Ian said with affection in his tone. Ian kissed the top of the baby's head, and he left the room after making sure that Josh would not lose his Teddy in his sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bambi may or may not be foreshadowing what will happen later in the series.


	13. Ramifications of Letting You In CH 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short last chapter of Ramifications.

“Papa! Papa!” Josh shouted from his room about an hour and a half after he fell asleep. 

Matt smiled, stopping mid trying to get Mike to tell him and Ian whatever he needed to tell them. 

“Papa, Papa,” Mike mocked the baby in a whispered tone with a small smile. 

Matt flipped the older man off and shouted, “I’m coming, Baby Boy!” to the baby. When the man walked into the room the baby was sat up on the bed waiting for his Papa to come into the room. Matt smiled at the baby and the baby smiling back. 

“Hey, Baby Boy,” Matt said, walking over to the baby’s bed and hugged Josh tightly.

“Hi, Papa,” Josh said, snuggling to his Papa’s side. 

“How was your nap, Baby?” Matt asked, running his hand through the baby’s hair. 

“Good, Papa,” Josh told the man with a nod, “feel better.” 

“That’s good baby,” Matt kissed the side of the baby’s head. 

“Wet, Papa,” the baby whined, suckling on his pacifier a little harder, he hated being wet.

“K, Baby Boy,” Matt told the baby, “lets get up and get changed. Then Uncle Mikey says that he has something to tell us, but won’t tell us yet,” Matt laid the baby on the ground and pulled down the baby’s sweets. “So, you have to help me and Uncle Cassie bug Mikey so that he will tell us.” 

Josh gave a small smirk, and nodded “tay, Papa,” the baby giggled. 

Matt laughed. The man tickled the baby tummy. Josh squirmed and laughed, “naw, Papa.” 

“Fine, get up,” Matt told the baby, patting his bum, “let’s go get Uncle Mikey.”

The baby bounced up and ran into the living room, ignoring his Papa’s call of no running. Josh bounced up to his Uncle Mikey. “Unca’ Mikey!” Josh hugged the older man. 

“Hey, Kiddo,” Mike said, hugging the baby back. 

“Papa say that you got somefin’ a tell us,” Josh looked at the man seriously. 

“Yeah, Mikey,” Ian said with a smile, crossing his arms, “c’mon man, the baby’s in here, tell us.” 

Mike looked down at his lap, the baby hummed, a little bit concerned that Mike put his head down. Josh rested his head on the man’s shoulder. Mike smiled, holding onto the baby a little tighter. 

“Elise is pregnant,” Mike whispered, as if he did not believe it himself, with a small smile “and I proposed to her,” Mike’s smile got a little bit bigger. He looked up at Josh, Matt, and Ian. 

There was a slight pause before there was a cacophony of noise. Mike and Ian stood up and cheered, they both went over to hug the older man, wrapping the baby in the hug as well. When they broke the hug the baby clapped happily and hugged the man himself. 

“Congwadulat’s, Unca Mikey” Josh said with a smile, snuggling into his uncle. Mike chuckled and rubbing the back of the baby’s head, kissing the top of the his head. 

“Thanks, Kiddo,” Mike smiled. 

“When’s the wedding?” Ian asked with a huge smile. Ian was so proud of the man, the man was starting to wonder when Mike was going to propose to the woman. It was about time. 

“I don’t know,” Mike answered, “we need to talk about that. We need to talk about everything,” the last part the man whispered, as if talking to himself. 

“Well, congrats, Man,” Matt said with a smile that he knew was not going away anytime soon. 

“You and Josh are next,” Ian joked, looking over at Matt with a smirk. 

“You and Kim,” Josh pointed at Ian. 

“What?” Ian said, cocking his head to the left at the baby, “you don’t want to get married?”

“Not yet, Unca’ Cassie” Josh shook his head with a look on his face.

“We said that we would consider it in two or three years,” Matt said with a smirk, remembering their pillow talk from a few nights ago, “but that is a big boy topic, isn’t it, Baby Boy?”

“Yeah, Papa,” Josh whispered, putting his right thumb in his mouth. The three men chuckled. 

Their conversation continued, they talked about Mike moving out. Josh was sad at that fact, but he was also happy that Mike was taking the next step in his life. They also talked about Josh being little. Josh begrudgingly admitted that he knew that he needed to be little for a while, but he did not want to because he wanted to do music more and more. Josh wanted to get his life back. 

They talked about that for a minute, and they all ended up agreeing that they would let Josh be little during the weekend if he needed to. Mike said that he could come over on Fridays if they wanted him too. Of course, they all said yes. 

This was the start of something new.

…

“Good evening, Toronto!” Josh exclaimed into the microphone, taking the mic off of the mic stand so that he could limp to the very front of the stage, “how are we doin’ tonight?” the man asked with a smile, holding the mic out to the audience. The crowd screamed. 

“That’s good,” Josh smiled, “ you sexy motherfuckers.” 

“Sing it,” Mike ordered with a smirk.

Josh chuckled evilly. His eyes crinkled, “don’t you tell me what to fuckin’ do,” Josh sang, popping out his hip so that he could place most of his weight to his left leg in a sassy way and so that he could point his cane at the older man. 

“Don’t point that cane at me,” Mike told the older man with a chuckle, pushing the cane away from him.

Josh giggled, “okay,” the man put the cane down so that he could lean it up against the mac stand. Brett came out on stage with his infamous clear guitar. He just hoped that his pants did not rip… again. 

They went through their set. For their first concert in months, it was amazing, very little screw ups happened, and Josh was able to put on his performance face perfectly when not even a mouth ago, they all knew that the man would not have been able to. 

While not everything was perfect, and they never would be. Everything was getting better. So much better. While Josh was still anxious around tall, muscular men it was not every single male as it was a few months ago. Josh still could not have sex- that did not matter to Matt and they were working on it.

Everything was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was not planning on this being the last chapter, but here we are. There will be another story or two.


End file.
